ALL I CARE ABOUT IS WEB HITS AND MAKING FRIENDS

CHI-CITY DEATHCAMP

if i bought a romance novel and like, 'rewrote' it, or like, added notes to it/changed it, would i get sued.  i want to do this.  what's a good way around whatever bullshit i'd encounter?  sheer violence? i'm serious about this. hit me up with any advice. 

THUMBS DOWN ONNA FOO

fucking sweet poem

NEW RULE

i have a new rule.  if you offer to pay me for something, like a drawing/a translation/whatever, and you dont pay me (even if it's 50 cents), i'm going to kill you.  not because money is important, but because i need to have rules and values in my life.  i do a lot of shit for free/little money, so don't worry about offering money... but if you do, and then don't pay it, i'll kill you.  like in your home.  like putting a knife into your chest over and over until you're dead.  like strangling you until you die.  like walking into a shitty bar where a reading is going on and someone is up on the mic taking ten minutes to preface a five minute story, and then that's the last thing you see before i set you on fire.    

i have two copies of 'hurt others' if anybody wants to buy one.   sampinkisalive   at  gmail  dot com.

EDIT:  if you want a copy of 'hurt others' you can have it for free if you agree to mail it to someone else after you read it.  after you read it, let me know and i'll put something up about who wants it and you can mail it to that address.

also, this is 'pig destroyers' facebook. can someone figure out how to contact them.  i want to mail them books.   

i mailed everything out that needed to be mailed out. if i owe you something it is coming. 

kelly and i are looking for someone to mix/master this 'king cobra ep.'  it's eight songs.  we need them mastered to improve the sound quality.  if you or someone you know knows how to do this, email me sampinkisalive   at   gmail dot com.  we can probably pay a very very small amount and would need it done relatively soon.  also, and i haven't discussed this with kelly, but pretty sure we can also throw in allowing you to 'honk' one of kelly's titties and/or give my cack a solid 'yank.'  the world is yours. 

something i've always felt attracted to is ruining something i've worked for.  like, work hard for something to see if i can achieve it, then after it's achieved, ruin it and see if i can start over. 

i took down 'gerald mcclellan vs nigel benn.' 

most of it will be included in the collected suicide notes book. 

BLOWN AT KNIFEPOINT

whenever someone describes a book/character as 'nihilistic' i imagine that person staring at the book lying closed on a coffee table, and the person keeps doing sounds with his/her lips--thinking--then says, "hmmm, nihilistic?" like someone guessing on a gameshow. 

a good ending to a book would be the main character breaking into a random house and making a lot of sloppy joe's then leaving all the sloppy joe's on a plate for the people who live there to find when they get back. 

if you feeling that deep down 'wish i was cut into pieces in a dumpster' type doom, lemme hear you say, 'helllll yeahhhhhhh.'

the danny character from the story 'danny who lives in a doorway...' in 'gerald mcclellan vs nigel benn' was crossing the street and got hit by a drunk driver the other day and now has a compressed spine.

 

i feel ashamed/spoiled/indulgent with a lot of things.  like even eating some cheap food i feel like 'why do i get to have this.'  sitting in a chair i think, "why do i get to have this.'  i dont identify with my 'peers.'  i dont like drinking at bars or going to concerts all the time or trying to fit in.  it feels dumb owning more than a little clothing.  feel like most of my life is that feeling when you just got new shoes but they feel too good for you. even doing drugs seems stupid and spoiled to me now.  even sitting here typing this shit feels dumb because there's little kids in chicago who feel terrified of where they live, and will likely be killed on some bullshit.  next time you're about to complain about something, imagine a fucking preteen kid lying in the street full of bullets and bleeding to death.  thrown out like something worse than garbage.  for no fucking reason.  and the worst part is, not identifying with anyone makes me start to attack myself, but when i'm by myself i feel fine.  i feel sad a little maybe that something made me attack myself, but i realize it's other peoples' worlds that sicken me, not mine.  i don't know what's wrong with me, i'm like, sitting here feeling tingles from being pissed.  

if it's going to cost me more than like, 60 dollars (round trip) to come do a reading, i can't do it.  i live off of like [laughable dollar amount] dollars a year, and that's with supporting rontel's nasty 'virginia slims' habit.  whole foods wouldn't even hire me to fucking bag groceries.  BOO HOO i'm so helpless. 

when you're at the park by yourself playing soccer with a semi-deflated ball, don't worry when a group of your 'peers' assembles around  you.  just keep juggling the soccer ball as a trendy girl lays out a blanket and her zany male friends--most of them dressed as either a 1950s greaser/biker but with a nicely trimmed beard and full arm tattoos or an 80s glam rocker with feathered/styled/dyed hair and full arm tatoos--begin to play with water balloons around  you.  just keep juggling the soccer ball until they notice you're not going to move.  just wait until they move somewhere else. keep juggling the semi-deflated soccer ball.  after they're gone, and someone runs by with a dog, watch how the dog's ears and tongue keep going up and down, like the dog is flying.  and think about you should be able to remember the ears and tongue going up and down, no matter where you are/what's going on, and that should be enough.  think, "that's all there is." 

when you dont have a lot of spending money, the city feels like a shitty videogame you accidentally found a way to enter yourself into.  but there's no goal.  no way to 'power up' or get a 'free guy.'  the only thing you can do is walk around looking at things.  every store, restaurant, art gallery, yoga place, dance place, carwash place, etc, they just look at you like "fuck do you want."  and you walk by scowling at people enjoying themselves. but you don't even want to be there with them. you want to ask them what they're doing.  like, you can see what they're doing, but no, like, really, 'what are you doing.'  and you start thinking you'd trade a million friends for one or two solid, indestructible enemies. a war.  you think about how if a war suddenly broke out in chicago, you'd immediately know what to do.  you'd have a purpose.  people would follow you.  they'd look at you and you'd go from 'shithead scowling on street' to someone they needed.  and after you won the war, you'd put everybody back into the restaurants/stores and lock them in, to be looked at by people passing by outside.  

YOUNG FAMILY interview.

i mean yeah, i'm worried about that white powdery shit they put on 'big league chew' but fuck it. 

this is a "romantic encounters" ad i want to post on craigslist:

hey!!! so, i dont know what i'm really doing here but.....basically i'm looking for someone to spend time with.  ideally, i come over with a 'special bag' and sit on your couch.  i set the special bag down on the coffee table.  maybe we have a little conversation, hold hands whatever.  then, and this is important, i say, "Could i please have a glass of water."  at which point you get up to get me the water and i loudly say, "better tie my shoe" and lean forward, exposing the back of my head (the softest part) and as you go to get the water you grab the 'special bag' and take out the softball-sized rock inside and bring it down on the back of my head as hard as you can and keep doing that until my head is two-dimensional. 

NO FRIENDS

writers who claim to want to help you or make you better or claim to want to do anything other than make something are full of shit and shouldn't be trusted.  nobody has any idea what it's like to live even three seconds of your life.  wanting to 'help' someone means that you close them off as a concept, with an arbitrary goal.  you make someone into a fucking idea.  you make his/her life into an idea.  if someone's writing helps you in some way, thank him/her and move on.  i'm thankful whenever says something i wrote helped them or made them feel better but that's not what i'm trying to do.  writing barely even helps me understand my life, let alone anyone else's.   i have no idea how to help people and i also have no idea whose life should be made better or what that would even mean.  mostly, i envision the whole writer/reader/living process as an endless dark body of water where everyone is always sinking and sometimes you get close enough to someone to see them, but they're sinking too and you both just shrug and keep sinking.  the only kind of writers/writing that can help you, is 'how to' books on like, building a cabinet or something science related, and that's only if you are building a cabinet or trying to do some science.  not trying to be a 'salty-ass dick' here but like, whenever i read writers 'getting their bullshit on' during an interview it's really ignorant. at the same time, this is coming from someone whose best friend is a cat.

DREW ON THIS SHIT FROM THE ALLEY

scandinavian fashion lady likes "today i hope a bus accidentally kills me."  

didn't get as many likes as this one but fuck it

THIS WAS THE ORIGINAL AUTHOR PHOTO FOR 'RONTEL'

does anybody know why i can't upload images here anymore.  every time i try to do it, it either says, "uploading" but then never uploads, or it just keeps saying, "an error occurred while trying to save." 

i have a few copies of 'person' 'no hellos diet' and 'hurt others.'   i also have some drawings and a few original copies of 'you ruined it' by my band 'young family.' 

COLUMBUS, OHIO

i like columbus, ohio a lot.  i've read there a few times now and it's really good.  feel like when i hear 'columbus' a vertical meter of some kind lights up quickly in my head.  danielle 'uncle dan' gagliano is really good.  if you live in columbus, don't kill her or her friends. 

DON'T BELIEVE ANY REVIEW YOU READ

most reviews seem like a combination of vague/abstract/sweeping statements, lies, inaccurate chains of thought, irrelevant information, personal prejudices, blind allegiance to traditions, personal belief in one's ability to judge for others, passive insults, reluctant/qualified acceptance of talent, asskissing, exagerrated statements, reference to older authors and his/her work as template for how one can be better, unresolved psychological issues, jealously, desire for acceptance/shittalking how 'cool' the author and his/her group is, and other insecurities/pettiness.

big sherm

inspecting the truly shitty haircut i gave myself, i noticed myself thinking, "well, you really did it this time, chuckles."

TWO DOLLAR RADIO/OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY PRESENTS-- "CHIRAQ/YOUNGSTOWN/RAINELLE IN COLUMBUS: A NIGHT OF LITERATURE AND BANANA CLIPS"

YOUNG FAMILY interview.

I CAPTIONED A PHOTO I FOUND ON THE MUUMUU HOUSE WEBSITE

this is a picture of mira gonzalez i found on the muummuu house website.  it's from a recent reading.  i captioned/did notes on the picture. click on the picture to see it better if you want.

1.  Spearmint Shirt Lady:  the 'coat slung over folded arms' suggests a tired patience, a willingness to listen, but her mind is somewhere else.  Thought in her head as this picture was taken:  "You know what, I think the radishes will go better with that fish I bought.  So yeah, I'll just save the asparagus then, perfect."

2.  'All Bidness/Big Blazer Daddy' :  This person is trying to make eye contact with his male friend across the room. Big Blazer Daddy is about to (once he makes eye contact) motion with his fingers back and forth between him and his friend and mouth the words 'should we go' and then make a 'driving' motion with his hands then nod and wink his one eye a little like, 'yeah we'll leave soon.'  Thought in his head while this picture was taken: 'I would've eaten more of the free shrimp out in the lobby but that art girl I tried to hit on made a weird face at me. Fuck that shit. Can't be like, held down by that shit, I'm All Bidness/Big Blazer Daddy.'

3. Hiding Girlfriend:  Holding that complimentary art museum tote bag like it ain'no thang.  She's judging herself and mira--comparing and contrasting--after hearing Big Blazer Daddy remark that he thought mira is 'cute.'  Thought in her head as the picture was taken: 'I don't think i'd be able to kill someone if i had to.'

4.  Little Daddy Blazer/Belt-Buckle Mang:  Wanting to appear both more engaged but also aware of how he looks to others. He's thinking about having sex with mira.  thought in his head when the picture was taken: 'Hmm, which book should i mention i just read....in order to get mira to have sex with me.' 

5.  Greasy Ass Hair:  You go girl.  Thought in mira's head when the picture was taken:  'Niggas ain't on nothin (nah!)/Don't make me shoot sumpin (bla-ow!)/Doin that gum-bumpin (talkin!)/Now they forrest gumpin' (runnin!)'

6.  Authoritative Finger Gesture:  the result of vaguely remembering a scathing one-star review on goodreads where the reviewer said something like, 'would've given this no stars but goodreads doesnt allow it.'

7. Timid Art Museum Employee:  In a hilarious slip up, they didn't have her name-tag ready (first day) so she went through the day wearing a 'Jerry' name-tag, which resulted in a number of 'Hey Jerry haha' jokes (three of which were from Big Daddy Blazer).  Thought in her head when picture was being taken: 'I'm supposed to tell them they have to clear out for the 'guy who covers himself with post-it notes' performance. Can't believe that asshole ate so many shrimp then asked for a tote bag "without a scuff on it" for his girlfriend.'

8. Ominous Person:  This person gave mira's book a one star review on amazon because she 'couldn't give it no stars' and now she's come to the museum with the heater to put some holes in mira. Thought in this person's head when the picture was taken: "I like [contemporary indie band]."

9.  Gams 

noticed myself referring to oncoming bad feelings as, 'it's time to return to the crazy cave of doom.'  

was at a restaurant eating my food and looking out the window when i suddenly felt extremely happy--like drug-like happiness--and it felt like outside was inviting me out and i kept hearing something/somebody saying, 'come on, wake up, you have work to do' and i felt connected to things, and i felt like i was returning somewhere after being somewhere else for a long time, but i knew in like half an hour it would be something i look back on and just smile/laugh. 

if anybody is filming like, a party/teen movie or whatever, i'm interesting in playing an older burnout character named like, 'Shlong' or something, and i'll wear a red bandana and leather coat and umbros, or just maybe a bathrobe with a red bandana on and i'll always be eating lunchables and one of the jokes in the movie can be that i make out with an old woman or like, i accidentally make out with a dog/monkey because of how fucked up i am.   

i feel like if i was secretly videotaped today it would be good footage for a 'depression hurts' commercial and/or a commercial where they talk about 'that not-so-clean feeling.'

also, i feel attracted to the women in the 'not so clean feeling' commercials, where they're just sitting on the couch wearing a hoodie with the hood on and they're like, hugging themselves.

JAMES TONEY

this is the james toney interview transcribed in 'rontel.'  i recommend looking up all james toney's interviews on youtube.  his shittalking is.... (almost said, 'like a fine cognac' but i dont think i've ever had fine cognac).  i also recommend watching the fight this interview is from 'holyfield vs toney.'

also, if anyone wants to commission me to write articles on the following things, i'd probably do it:

1. selected reactions to some of twista's lyrics
2. this quote
3. reviews of any episode of 'saved by the bell' (you pick/serialized?)
4. an ongoing look at aspects of boxing that might be appealing to non-fans (serialized?)
5. profiling someone's younger sibling (think about it:  "Blocks, Legos, and Tears: A Day with [name of sibling]"

also, i liked this article

2013 lazy fascist press

the collected suicide notes vol. 1

the complete collection of published and unpublished poetry

sometimes when i'm hopelessly applying for jobs on craigslist, i see myself like, in a lab on an operating table, naked and squirming with tubes hooked up to me and there's a voice over where an evil sounding scientist says, "he was....designed to be, physically incapable of getting and maintaining a job" (cut to shot of me looking at my hand as i curl all my fingers in agony and then it zooms into my body on a cellular level, showing cells rejecting other cells, sometimes fusing) voiceover: "subject A is...quite simply, a marvel of advancement in the field of....somehow being a lot less able to get and maintain jobs than others."

'rontel' was reviewed at the LA Review of Books

i went to this flag store today to buy a chicago flag but it was closed because it was just robbed the other day.  this is a video of the robbery.  the old man working the register uses a baseball bat to fight off a gunman firing at him point blank.

also, if anyone wants a copy of the spanish translation of 'i am going to clone myself then kill the clone and eat it' (' VOY A CLONARME, LUEGO MATAR AL CLON Y COMÉRMELO') then email me sampinkisalive (at) gmail.com 

PLANS FOR THE FUTURE

think i'm going to start an instagram or facebook page that's just sexy pictures of my sexy body making sexy faces and act like i'm not narcissistic by putting captions in like, 'geez i hate myself, lol' and 'check out this asswipe, 666 jk.'  the page will be called, 'my dick smells like pussy.' half of the pictures will just be my asscheeks spread apart so you can see my asshole.  the other half will be pictures of me flexing my ripped arms and/or letting honey drip down my sculpted core.  every once in a while i will allow other people to be in the pictures with me, if s/he makes sure to use one of the following hand signs:  'middle finger'  'peace sign'  'metal sign'  'tongue through peace sign/pussy eatng sign' and/or  'thumbs up/thumbs down.'  the goal will be to show people what a fun, rich life i live, while maintaining (via captions/comments) that i'm depressed and have no friends and no future.  every once in a while i will include clothed pictures, that appear to be showing off a funny shirt i have, but the main purpose will be to show off my unmatched handsomeness and startling/hypnotizing hazel eyes.  i will also be sure to include pictures that highlight my 18 inch neck (just two inches shy of mike tyson's!!!!) and 'american male' jawline.  i will probably also buy like, a funny beltbuckle so that i can take a picture of it, but really the point is to show off my 'sex lines' that go from my hips down into between my legs, and also, the outline of my dick.  once a month i will post a video that just a still shot of a book i like, with my eventual cumshot streaking across its cover.  in these videos, it will be silent for a second, then the cumshot will happen, then the words 'fuck yeah' will light up on the screen with me saying, 'fuck yeah' in a 'metallica singer' voice.  whenever i do readings, i'll make sure to include pictures, provided the reading is in a 'cool place' and provided the pictures portray me in a way that looks like i'm a doomed young author.  the goal of these pictures will be to suggest that i'm doomed and an outsider but that i travel to 'cool places' even though i'm so doomed and sexy.  any time anyone comments or likes a picture, i will respond immediately with a 'thanks!!!' or ' :) '   i'll take  cute pictures of me in my pajamas (sweatpants/sweatpant cut-offs) and say stuff like, 'yikes.....mornings :('   but i will make sure to still look sexy and manly in those pictures too.  i will work hard at this and attempt to get as many 'friends' or 'likes' as  possible until i feel fulfilled.  once i feel fulfilled, i will shove a knife down my throat and die slowly on the floor, choking as i reach out to pet rontel one last time. 

here is a review of rontel from someone who lived in uptown 

i didn't write about or live in edgewater or andersonville though, those are neighboring areas that i dont like that much. 

the real hazard in not wearing underwear isn't zipping up your dick/balls but instead allowing your balls to lay on the zipper while pissing because ball skin (seemingly) easily falls into zipperteeth.

(after i re-read this for some reason i imagined myself wearing a full hood over my head and face, made of ball skin.  soft soft ball skin.)  

a movie trailer for a western/gun movie where an unshaven guy is leaning against a bar and strikes a match, lights a cigarette, and says, "a man can only have his onions boiled so many times 'fore something has to give..."

THIS MOTHERFUCKER

this motherfucker still wants to talk.  i already said what i had to say.  couldn't find your email alex, and you didn't respond to my direct address in a comments section a while back.  but i'm telling you, shut the fuck up with your bullshit.  quit trying to get attention by shitting on my shit.  saying shit about my book on your fucking twitter like a fucking tool.  it's clear you dont truly give a fuck because otherwise you'd try to talk to me about it rather than try to shit on it.  just typical witch hunt shit, no communication just labeling.  no solutions just sides and ideology.  you tweeted that there are no positive depictions of black people in rontel.  then you list three negative ones (even though i just wrote shit down, didn't 'depict' anyone outside of how they did):  1.  murder suspect at bus stop (didn't state the race of this character you fucking idiot, also the main character wanted to kiss her.) 2. 'asshole at sandwich shop' (why is he an asshole, i liked that guy a lot, also, didn't mention his race you dumb fuck.  you think he's black because he uses slang) and 3. james toney (well, james toney is african american for sure, but....i transcribed that interview exactly as it happened, and also....how is it negative?  he beat an ATG heavyweight.  he's like, my favorite boxer.  james toney talks tons of shit, that's who he is).  i'm fucking serious man, and i know this seems extreme or funny or that i need to 'chill out' but i'm fine dude, just....seriously stop your shit because when i see you (and we'll meet up at some point i promise) i'm going to fuck you up badly.  quit provoking me to get bullshit web hits for your bullshit twitter you dumb fuck.  quit poking me.  if you want to talk to me, address me directly and show me respect.  do not fuck with me. write your own shit and stop talking about mine.  stop sensationalizing shit, i dont want attention for negative reasons.  especially not negative reasons made up by a thoughtless crumbsnatching fool like you. i'm serious man, you're making a huge mistake.  

update:  can anyone tell me why any of the people in the book seem 'negatively portrayed' outside of your own preconceptions about language.  like, for instance, alex, what do you find so negative about the characters aside from the way they talk (which is a racist thing to think you silly lil guy).  also, why dont you ever mention the other manners of speaking, like the chicago guy, or the maintenance man, or the people at the bee class.  alex, you're getting me so heated i almost like it.  feels sexual.

RECENT EMAIL EXCHANGE

PERSON:  when you hear the word 'mentor' what comes to mind?

ME:   like, i think about a mortal kombat styled character who is a 'mental' raptor. like, 'mentor.'