KENDRA GRANT MALONE

i met kendra grant malone two sundays ago. she was in chicago for her grandma's funeral. i met her on the corner of loomis and taylor. when i walked up to her, she said, "you are a giant." i said, "oh, ok" and then i ripped a tree out of the ground and brushed my teeth with it. we walked around deciding on a bar to go to and then i got lost in my own neighborhood. she said, "we're in your neighborhood, why are you lost?" i swallowed the urge to just run away, then i remembered where we were. we found a bar and went in. kendra got all nervous about whether to get the fries or the tater tots with her meal. she ordered fries. then she went to the bathroom. i ordered tater tots and told the bartender to put some floor cleaner in her food so i could eat her dead body later. when kendra got back i smiled at her like everything was ok. the bartender brought our food and kendra went, "oh man you got the tater tots!" then she took some of my tater tots. she asked nicely though. i can't remember what we talked about, but at a certain point there was one of those geico commercials on tv with the stack of money that has eyes. kendra said the stack looked manic and then i said how i feel like the stack of money would tell you to do bad things, but like, with a cute voice. the bartender came back around and said to me, "still nibblin' on those tots?" i saw the word, "kill" float through my head in neon letters. the bartender walked away and kendra said, "what a fucking dick." then i saw the word "friendship" float through my head in neon letters. we left the bar and walked to lucky's liquors to get tallboys. lucky's is where i saw a dead body before. and hopefully not my last! inside lucky's, kendra asked what we should get and i said, "six pack of tallboys." then i saw a stack of pickles that were sold singly in bags. i said, "and a pickle in a bag." she said, "i love pickles." i said, "me too, especially when they're in bags." i saw the number "666" float through my head in neon colors. the lady at the counter behind the bullet proof glass said, "what do you want" but it sounded like "was shoe juan." then, in the most white girl voice imaginable, kendra put her little purse on the counter and said, "can we please have a six pack of budweiser 16 oz cans." we left lucky's and decided to go to the lake to drink the tallboys. a quarter of the way there, we realized we didn't have paper bags for the tallboys. i told kendra that the police probably wouldn't care, but i wanted to avoid them because they make me feel like i am going to lose control. we decided to stop at gas station. kendra said since she had bigger boobs than me that she would ask for the bags. i agreed. i sat on a curb with the tallboys. a homeless guy came up to me and said, "yo lemme hit one a dose tallboys mang." i was like, "i don't know." then he goes, "come on mang, it's hot, lemme chug-a-lug one a dose, bwoy." then i went, "i don't think so." then he said, "aw it's cool, i don't drink anyway." he walked away and i missed him. kendra came back and said, "all they had was plastic bags." we continued walking and i ripped the plastics bags and wrapped them around the cans. we drank and walked to the lake. kendra kept calling me a giant every once in a while. then i said, "me smash" and i pounded a crater into the ground. i said some things that i can't remember but they made her say, "you are exactly like your blog." when we were almost at the lake, we decided to just drink at millenium park. we drank among some rusty sculptures of legs. whenever girls would come by and lay down for a little bit, kendra said which one she would do. an asian family walked passed and kendra said how she wants a baby. but like, she wanted to steal one not have one. when the asian baby walked safely away from us, i felt relieved for it. i couldn't figure out if i would have to defend the baby from kendra, or if i would have to help her steal it, like by getting in front of the dad and doing a distraction dance of some kind. we sat on the grass longer and kendra kept calling me names like, "meathead" and "dude-man bro." she asked me what i wanted to do with my life. i told her i think i was going to be hired at whole foods soon. either that or i would just rob people. she called me a giant again. i inhaled a cloud from the sky and blew it in her face. kendra smiled a lot. she looked at my shirt and asked if i golfed a lot. there were like, pictures of golf clubs and shit on my shirt. i said no. i said that i had just found the shirt on the ground at my apartment and put it on after making sure there were no spiders living in it. we left millenium park and walked along state street. we saw more babies. most of the babies were hispanic. kendra said her favorite kind of babies were hispanic. we passed by this one hispanic dude holding a baby and kendra made a weird sound while looking at the baby. the sound was like a dinosaur having an orgasm maybe. the man holding the baby looked at me, with a look that was like, "dude, are you going to stomp her or should i?" i nodded like, "it's cool dude. i'll stomp her." on the walk back, we peed in an alley, one after the other. she said her pee mingled with mine. at that point, i imagined a large monster forming from the mixed urine. nobody would like the monster because of how it smelled. but it would have a good personality. on the walk back, we stopped at another bar and drank some more, while watching a tribute to michael jackson on the tv. when the video for "we are the world" came on, the guy sitting behind us kept naming the celebrities when their faces were displayed. he seemed really impressed with himself. i was impressed too. i made a comment about how i like michael jackson because he always solved gang problems in his videos by dancing. i kept saying, "uh oh, now you done it." the bartender laughed. i saw the word "awesome" float through my head in neon letters. the bartender laughed. then kendra gave birth to an asian baby and it hit the floor. that didn't happen. we left the bar and walked back to my neighborhood. on the walk back, i jumped and tried to touch a really highup street sign, and i did. but when i landed, i twisted the fuck out of my ankle. we walked through alleys and got back to my neighborhood. kendra paused at the entrance of one alley, probably because she thought i was going to murder her. many many times when i suggest taking an alley, people later confess to being scared about me killing them. lol! on the walk back kendra said i wasn't too much of a meathead when she found out i like bell hooks and judith butler. we bought a six pack of pbr tallboys at the 7-11. in order for the beer coolers to be electronically unlocked, you had to say "beer" in front of them. the person standing next to us laughed and looked at us and went, "open sesami." i saw the word "enemy" flash through my head in neon letters. we bought the beer and kendra bought me a scratch and win which yielded a free scratch and win. we walked to a park nearby and sat in front of a christopher columbus fountain and drank beer without the bags on the cans. we kept pissing behind a bush. i imagined the bush coughing and wheezing every time we did it. kendra told me it was the most she had pissed publicly. i said, "welcome." we sat drinking the beers and throwing them into the bushes nearby. at a certain point, kendra suggested we become blood brothers like she did with daniel bailey. then she kind of chickened out. but i said we had to do it and i took an empty pbr can and twisted it until it broke in two. she kept trying to cut her hand but she was a huge pussy about it and it wouldn't work. i cut my hand pretty good and it bled a lot. then she got hers to bleed and we mashed hands together. eventually, i walked her back to loomis and taylor where her dad picked her up and i limped home with my fucked up ankle. i could barely make it upstairs and i sat on the couch, where i quickly developed a terrible fever, sweating and shaking. my ankle is still swollen, two weeks later. friendship.

OCHO 25

OCHO 25 is here and it is edited by blake.

there's a shitload of good writers in it. i have two poems in it. one from CLONE, called PUBIC HAIR THAT IS HARD WITH BLOOD, and one from FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO, called I SAW A DEAD BODY ON THE CORNER OF ROOSEVELT AND ASHLAND (16 VERSIONS).

OH MY ACHING HEAD

click on it

NEW JOURNAL THAT IS REAL FOR LOOKING AT

martin wall and me started a journal. it is called TWITTER 666. the journal is a collection of links to twitter accounts for objects and people that otherwise wouldn't have a twitter account. if you want to write a twitter feed, even if it just one or two posts, email twitter666@gmail.com and describe the idea. we want to have as much shitty shit up as possible and as frequently as possible. i asked blake butler to start an account for AN EMPTY HOUSE, like so he could write about all the weird shit that goes on inside. see how fucking fun this shit is? email the idea and if it is just shitty enough, we will set up the account and you can write the shit out it. so far, here are the feeds:

A_KLANSMAN

A CREEPY OLD MAN AT THE PARK (WHO IS NOT WEARING A SHIRT)


A_BIG_SANDWICH

A_PRESS-ON_NAIL

THE EARTH IS GETTING A FULL BELLY

HEY HEY BILLY!



MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT THIS KIND OF ART IS HERE.

I GIVE MYSELF A HEADACHE BY LOOKING AT MYSELF REAL CLOSE IN A MIRROR

i just started a twitter account. it is here. the user is A BIG SANDWICH. so now you can keep up with what is happening to A BIG SANDWICH in real time. i am going to start and cancel random twitter accounts now, for something to do. like, i think my next one will be either A KLANSMAN (example post: i need to be more positive) or A CREEPY OLD MAN AT PARK, NOT WEARING A SHIRT (example post: just stared at girl and then said something to myself and laughed, tooth fell out). maybe it will be fun. i will post when i change them. another example: A PRESS-ON NAIL example post: still stuck in some guy's eye. have a nice weekend everyone. is it ok to sometimes see your own hands and jump back because you're afraid someone is trying to choke you?

NEGATIVE HEARTTHROB!

DON'T GET TO KNOW ANYONE. DON'T BE O.K.

andy riverbed reads TODAY I HOPE A BUS ACCIDENTALLY KILLS ME, in spanish, over some acoustic guitar. pretty bad ace. go here.

ONE TIME I DRANK HALF A BOTTLE OF PINE SOL BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD KILL ME

i just emailed the final draft of THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME to SIX GALLERY PRESS.

i am wearing a golf shirt that i found underneath some couch cushions yesterday. i shook the crumbs off it and put it on. i thought with sincere sadness for a second about all the shirts i've lost and totally forgotten about. you are with me shirts.

since the age of sixteen, every day i have the feeling that things are over.

i have a pretty nice beard now, it drips when i get out of the shower.

very hopeless lately. i don't have a job. i sleep late and then draw until the morning, talking to myself. i think yesterday is the first time i realized i talk to myself nonstop.

would it be lame to start a cereal corner on this blog where i analyze various cereals and their mascots? including imagined knife fights between the mascots?

does anyone in chicago have a job i could have? i am thinking janitor. i just want to be left alone. i dont' want to smile at anyone while making them a sandwich.

read this post by shane jones.

he says something i've been thinking for a long time. that unless you are an idiot (my words), publishing things changes nothing. you'll still be a scared human being hoping for something to change you without having to do much.

last night while i was drawing other people at the apartment were watching some american pie movie about a beach-house and they were mocking it. i kept imagining every character with a gun in their mouth and then their head exploding. that would make a great ending to a teen movie like that. like, surf guitar music comes in and then everyone shrugs and goes, "summer's over and so are our lives!" and then domino suicides, blood all over the beach.

i think i am in bad mood because i haven't had cereal yet.

i only sleep in hour long bursts now. the worst feeling ever is waking up.

26 will be the year of more drifting.

this laptop is burning my genitals.

i'm ready to love someone but i am too helpless.

i was at a wedding the other day and a girl standing at the bar, looked at me and then turned around and lifted her skirt a little so i could see her ass. i should've said, "so what?"

i would like it if the first half of your life you could have all the nights you will ever have, right in a row, and then the second half you could get all the days in a row.

GETTING SHOT IN THE EYE WITH AN ARROW PROBABLY WON'T HAPPEN TO ME

HERE IS THE COVER I HANDMADE FOR "FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO." (IF YOU CLICK ON IT, THE MAGICAL COMPUTER BOX MAKES IT BIGGER)



ALSO, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE MAKING VIDEOS FOR THE POEMS NOW. IF YOU STILL WANT TO, EMAIL ME.

GOD BLESS AMERICA

right now i could get shot in the chest and face many many times and still not die.

READ THIS LONG ASS INTERVIEW WITH CHRIS HIGGS

RIGHT HERE.

here's a rap i just made up about chris higgs:

chris higgs, slams mad chicks with the tip of his academic dick, known to open up A THOUSAND PLATEAUS and take justa sip, tip back his serious looking glasses, makin other thinkers look like molasses, he ponders queries/disquisitions with synapses blasting elastic, fuck getting drastic, dat honky higgs clashes and gnashes, and he ain't from the street, he's in the street, knee-deep like Guattari in some Paris concrete, y'herrd?

i have no friends.

I CAN ONLY GET ALONG WITH ONE PERSON AT A TIME

the person i picked for the calaveras journal thing (see below) is martin wall. his poems made me feel the most. the other poems were good and i feel like a dick. picking and judging are weird things. if you want to say hateful things in the comment thread, that will help us both. anyway, i will start posting videos of poems pretty soon (see this link for explanation). if you still want to read a poem from FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO, email me and i will send you one to read. then i'll post it here. i'll post the cover i made too. hopefully the publisher likes it. i used mario three colors. chex party mix is really good. it's like, every time i scoop out a handful and go to put it in my mouth, i go, "it's fucking party time." does anyone in chicago want to do readings? like, they don't have to be at an actual place. like, if you want me to come to your apartment and read, i'll do it. you can film it and i will do it. i can come into your roommate's room while s/he is sleeping and just start reading. wouldn't that be fun? i can hide in the fridge and when someone gets a drink i will just start reading. i will read while you take a shower. readings usually suck and are boring, so i think this could be cool. you can hit me with a belt while i am reading. or throw flour at me. you can spray me with champagne while i read. come on. don't be a pussy.

UPDATE: i put a really long interview with chris higgs on htmlgiant.

ANOTHER UPDATE: i just noticed i got some more ratings on GOODREADS. fuck man, a few more five star ratings and i'll be able to unlock the saphire sword and slay the golden dragon in the ice level! here's a review that actually made me happy.

by mike kleine:

I began reading a random page out loud and everyone in the room made faces. At first, they asked me if it was something I had written but then I replied with an amused "no," stating that it was a work from Sam Pink. Then, they asked me "who the fuck is Sam Pink?" I told them that "Sam Pink is a new author I'm trying out."

I read a couple more excerpts and every single friend (three of them in the room at the time) asked if they could borrow the book after me. I said yes but know I will never give it to them because I need to frame it above my headboard, after I video-tape my face so I can put that on a loop at the foot of my bed

sort of made me think for three seconds i wasn't a fucking loser (until i noticed i could actually smell my pubes through my pants, from not showering).

happy hannukah everyone!

EXPRESSIONLESS DISGUST IS MY NATIONALITY

a while ago i was solicited by the journal MARY. i sent some poems and was rejected but one of the editors, sara mumolo, said she was starting a print journal (CALAVERAS) and she wanted the poems. then she emailed me and told me that the first issue will be both people they solicit and then people those people solicit. meaning, i have to pick someone to be in the issue too. so i don't know how to do this without being labeled a "piece of toilet paper that was used to wipe the shit off a dick that just fucked an ass that had already been fucked." so i guess if people want to email me like, four poems (they want to publish mulitple poems by each author), from now until like, sunday night, i will take them and pick somebody. or i will post them here and have people pick them. i don't know. but if you send me poems by sunday night, i guess you could be included in the journal, which will be hand bound and probably nice looking. and maybe our shit will be next to each other so when someone closes the book it's like we're smashing genitals together!

sidenote: if i am ever given the death penalty, i want it to be by "canon filled with nails."

UPDATE: ANDY RIVERBED TRANSLATED TWO POEMS, "I AM GOING TO JUMPKICK YOUR FACE THEN KISS IT" AND AN EXCERPT FROM "YUM YUM I CAN'T WAIT TO DIE." NOW YOU CAN READ OK POETRY IN SPANISH.

"I AIN'T LEAVIN' ON NO HOE SHIT"

somebody has offered to publish FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO. will talk more later. had to take it down. i feel like an asshole but maybe this will be cooler? i get to design the book. please still like me. if anyone wants some of the poems email me. otherwise, i'm going to be listening to the song "fake empire" by the national and pouting like a little bitch.

also, working on prophylactic-ripping interview with chris higgs. will be on htmlgiant sometime in the near future. read his blog. it always makes me happy to read. i think the first thing that drew me to his blog was like, a profile picture of him that i saw, and i was like, "he looks like he could take a serious shot to the jaw."

also, what is this?