i wrote an article for the new website "bulk culture." the article is titled "thoughts on the word 'treated' as slang." if you want me to write about something for the website, leave a comment or email me sampinkisalive@gmail.com

i am encouraging you to ask as many formspring advice questions as you can in the next few days, if you want. i'm closing the account but i am going to use the questions for something else . so ask a bunch of shit if you want. it can be anything and as many as possible.


i am also going to make twenty copies of a chapbook of the story "fun" from "hurt others" if anyone wants to buy one. email me

sampinkisalive@gmail.com

here is a link to a video noah cicero made about my writing. he talks about "the no hellos diet."

also, if anyone has, or can get a "nanoloop" please email me. a nanoloop is a cartridge you can plug into a gameboy to make it into a keyboard. my man wes needs one. email me sampinkisalive@gmail.com

TRIANA EDITORIAL 2012

"i am going to clone myself then kill the clone and eat it"




the same press is also putting out "hikikomori" by tao lin and ellen kennedy.

a review of PERSON.

i'm an adult

i have paintings for sale. they are both three feet by four feet. i will try to get pictures of them up. if you want to buy one email me. they're really nice. they're so fucking nice.

i started a band with a man from texas who now lives in chicago. his name is wes neal. the band is called "depressed woman."

it seems like you can tell if someone was just talking about you if you walk into a room and there are two people standing there and one says, "so anyway". "so anyway" is the sign that someone was just talking about you.

i'd like to ask a serious question. what is REALLY stopping you from opening fire on a police car. is it morals, or the fear of getting caught. for me it seems like the fear of getting caught. when i really think about it, most reasons why i dont do things are because i don't want to get caught.

last night i had a dream where a pit bull had it jaws clamped down on my hand (i always dream that a dog is biting me when my hand falls asleep while i'm asleep) and the pit bull had really big teeth that looked like pumpkin seeds and when the pit bull bit my hand i said out loud, "this will be ok" and i put the pit bull's head against a brick wall and kneed it twice. the first one didn't do anything. but the second one cracked the pit bull's skull and the jaws released my hand.

depressed woman in 2012.

is anyone having fun anymore.

i feel like years ago i was like, "i'm going to stop having fun for a little bit then come back to it" but then i never came back to it.

yesterday i was walking down the sidewalk and a man passed me from behind, going backwards in a motorized wheelchair, with his head over his shoulder, holding a laptop computer.

the guy who lives above me screams at videogames all night.

for some reason i keep thinking i would definitely win the lottery if i played once but i just won't play it.

a huge worry of mine is that i'll be sleeping over at someone's house and then randomly piss while i'm sleeping. like, it could happen. it could just happen once, out of nowhere and then never happen again and i'd either have to never talk to that person again--just run out of the house and never communicate with them again--or try to apologize in some way, but i know i couldn't do it without laughing.

a lot of things seem stupid to me now. like i just keep thinking, "that's stupid" and then i think, "wait, is that stupid" and then i think, "yeah it's stupid."

i almost uncontrollably said, "i love you" to an old man working a sandwich counter last week when he said, "chips and drink?"

is anyone having fun anymore, i'm serious. can someone tell me something they have done recently that was fun and can they describe the feeling.

depressed woman.

i'm an adult.

R.I.P.

this is a video caroline thompson made after receiving a package i sent her with some art and writing in it. caroline was a very sweet lady. she died yesterday of an overdose.

hey can anyone get me a copy of "cool edit pro 2" for a computer.

i will give you a drawing or something else.

i made this drawing the other day.

i also have two big paintings that look nice if anyone wants to buy them. they're three feet by four feet and look really nice.

here is a review of PERSON.


also, is there a way to save a pdf into a jpeg. i have a picture i want to post but i cant because it's a pdf.

a fucking pdf!

ADVICE COLUMN

i started an advice column.

you can submit questions here.

only questions requiring advice.

feel free to ask whatever you want, but dont be a fucking asshoee

VOY A CLONARME, LUEGO MATAR AL CLON Y COMERMELO (2012, triana editorial)

sometime soon next year, TRIANA EDITORIAL, a publisher in argentina, will be publishing "i am going to clone myself then kill the clone and eat it." "VOY A CLONARME, LUEGO MATAR AL CLON Y COMERMELO." the english was translated into spanish by gustavo rivera and then into castellano by alejandro jorge and jacob steinberg. the revised english version will be back in print sometime soon next year too, through lazy fascist press.

here is a sample poem: "today i hope a bus accidentally kills me."




Hoy espero que un colectivo me mate accidentalmente

Hoy espero que un colectivo me mate accidentalmente. De esa manera, otros podrán reflexionar sobre todo lo que hice en mi vida y pensar en lo especial que era porque un colectivo me mató accidentalmente. El chofer no tendría que sentirse mal porque habría sido un accidente. Y si por alguna razón el impacto no me matase, cuando el chofer se bajase para ver que pasó, yo diría, “¿Podrías atropellarme la cabeza para acabar conmigo? Siento mucho dolor y quiero ser un héroe”. La gente cercana vería la rueda enorme del colectivo aplastando mi cráneo contra el asfalto—mi boca gritando, la última cosa en irse.

today i hope a bus accidentally kills me

today i hope a bus accidentally kills me. that way, people will look back on everything i did in my life and think about how special it was, because a bus accidentally killed me. the driver wouldn’t have to feel bad, because it’d be an accident. and if for some reason the collision didn’t kill me, when the driver got out of the bus to check on me, i’d say, “could you please roll over my head and finish me. i’m in pain and i want to become a hero.” people nearby would see the big wheel of the bus smashing my skull into the concrete—my screaming mouth the last thing to
go.

i'm serious about all of these questions

does anyone want to hire me in chicago for a manual labor job somewhere near uptown.

does anyone know of any manual labor jobs near uptown that might be willing to hire me.

does anyone want to pay me to write a monthly advice column.

does anyone want to pay me to write un-researched essays on random topics.

does anyone want to pay me to write a romance/sex column.

does anyone in chicago want to start a band.

does anyone in chicago make aggressive electronic music that needs aggressive singing over it.

does anyone in chicago make any kind of aggressive music that needs aggressive singing over it.

does anyone want to pay me to be a surrogate father.

does anyone in chicago want to battle me to the death.

does anyone in chicago want to pay me to read them a bedtime story to them every night.

does anyone in chicago read this blog.

does anyone in chicago want me to burn them with a cigar/whatever.

sampinkisalive@gmail.com

video interview at htmlgiant

click the title to see a video interview stephen tully dierks did with me at htmlgiant. i can't link it in the post for some reason.

i say "like" a lot in the interview.

i can't believe that's what i look like/sound like.

i need to change my fucking life.

UPDATED BLOG POST! PICTURES FOR SALE! STORIES TO READ! KINDLE SHIT! HANDMADE BOOKS!

these three drawings are for sale.

and here are three stories from HURT OTHERS to read:

TRAINING

TV

JULIANA

UPDATE!!!:

matthew donahoo wrote about a handmade book i made for him. includes picture!! email me if you want me to make you one!

&

the no hellos diet is available on kindle.

HURT OTHERS

bizarro central published a story called TV, from the book HURT OTHERS.

and here are two other stories from HURT OTHERS:

JULIANA

and

TRAINING.

HURT OTHERS

muumuu house posted a story i wrote, called TRAINING.

the story is from HURT OTHERS.

also, if you want, i will make you a handmade book with a hand-drawn cover and hand-written writing on the inside if you make me an offer. i made one already for someone and it looks nice. each book will be called EXTREME DEPRESSION and it will have writing from any/all of my books in it. just think about it. i make 8.92 an hour so this would help me buy food and pay rent. just think about it.

hey stupid! you can read a thing i wrote called "during sexual intercourse i envision my own brutal death" in the second issue of LA GRANADA. "during sexual intercourse..." is from "Frowns need friends too."

also, here are two things that are happening to me a lot lately.

1. thinking, "who the fuck gives a shit" right after hearing someone say something to someone else (not even talking to me). like, i'll hear someone say, "i got these shoes for thirty dollars" to someone else, and i'll make a mean face and think, "who the fuck gives a shit."

2. shaking my head in angry disbelief and laughing at random while thinking, "ooooh, these assholes, (laugh) (shaking head) oh man, these assholes are going to (laugh) (shaking head) oh boy, i'll tell you...(laugh through nose)" etc.

2000 people like a poem from a book that isnt in print anymore

someone named beenie man posted a picture of a page from "frowns need friends too" with the poem "love story" on it.

stephen dierks pointed it out to me.

NO ONE CAN DO ANYTHING WORSE TO YOU THAN YOU CAN

i finished a book of poetry. i think it's going to be called "no one can do anything worse to you than you can." it's four poems, each about three thousand words long. the titles of the poems are:

1. the midwest

2. human beings are toys

3. you hear ambulance sounds and think they are for you

4. a shield made of napkins

it took me almost three years to write this book. i like it.

is it the best book of american poetry ever written? simply put, yes. it's the most doomed emo shit out there. a thought i just had was "it will wipe that fucking smile off your fucking face."

here are some thoughts on each poem, and the title of the book.

the title of the book: i mean shit. so fucking powerful. it's like, you read it, and think you understand it, but then whoa, maybe you don't. it seems negative at first, but then, it's actually life-affirming. just kidding i dont know. at first i was hesitant, as it seems like a typical, "quirky" title. but then i was like, "no this is it, kid. this is it."

the first poem "the midwest" i mean shit. a good intro to the rest of the book. laughs, cries, deep fucking pain. real pain. all straight from the dark ass days of the midwest.

the second poem: "human beings are toys" shit. took me a long time to finish. feels like i worked on it for about all three years and just now finished it. this one is a little less "funny and weird" and more "straight into your ass with that dick action." i feel like this one would be in a norton anthology if the people who ran the norton anthology that year were noah cicero and maybe like, michael jordan (for some reason).

the third poem: "you hear ambulance sounds and think they are for you." i mean, the fucking goodreads ratings speak for themselves. this shit is money shoved way up into your asshole. repetition, all that shit. i dare you not to cut your arms after this one.

the fourth poem: "a shield made of napkins" i mean shit. i remember being really really depressed and angry for this one. pretty sure i was "blackout drunk" when i started it.

overall, this is a solid effort and the best book of american poetry ever written. i've been sober and focused lately, with the exception of taking exstacy with jordan castro and mallory whitten. those kids are so great. i really love them. what else, oh everything is fine and this should be a terrible winter and an ever more terrible year. think i might have a job as a janitor lined up so that feels good. wow, i just, everything is so great!

email me if you want to buy a drawing or painting or you want me to make you a handmade book or something. i need money. nine dollars an hour sucks! anyway, go fuck yourselves everyone and have a nice thanksgiving won't you!

THREE VERSIONS OF WHAT HAPPENED AT WORK

1.

i was in the stockroom with my co-worker, enrique, when two higher-up bosses who work in the store came through the swinging doors and into the stockroom. one of them put her hands up to her face and the other one stood by with her hand on the first woman's shoulder.

i said, "are you ok."

the one with her hands over her face took her hands down and her eyes were red and teary.

the other woman said, "we just saw a little girl shit her pants and the aunt didn't do anything. she was just like, 'come on' and pulled her arm."

the crying woman said, "the only thing the little girl said was, 'my mom is going to whoop me now.'"

i just stood there. it seemed like i was about to respond with sympathy but then i realized it would be fake. so i didn't say anything. the whole thing seemed really fake, except for deciding not to say anything.

2.

the crying woman said, "the only thing the little girl said was, 'my mom is going to whoop me now.'"

i felt like i should say something sympathetic but then that seemed fake and i didn't really care so i didn't say anything.

i looked at enrique. i put my hand on his shoulder and said, "when enrique shits his pants i always help him clean it."

then enrique and i walked out of the stockroom and one of the women said, "bye guys." and i felt good because i knew i was a piece of shit but i was a piece of shit who was not trying to be anything else and it made me happy.

3.

the crying woman said, "the only thing the little girl said was, 'my mom is going to whoop me now.'"

then they both stood there looking at me like i had to respond.

i said, "you're both just upset because you wanted to feel upset about something. many other things are bothering you, things about yourselves that you know you can change, but you ignore them, and you decided to let this bother you and be something you could get upset about because it seems right. you're both selfish. there are a million other mistreated kids and you don't give a fuck because you don't see it. so you're just being upset because you're both fake assholes who have gotten so used to being fake assholes that you've been promoted for it. everyone gets mistreated. it doesn't matter. everyone who works here is mistreated. i'm mistreated. you gave me a seventeen cent raise after working her for a year. you get paid more money if i work harder, but i dont get paid more money if i work harder. you give me shit for being late. you try to make me feel guilty for dumb shit but it's only because you want the store to be more appealing to other fake assholes who spend their money here on useless shit. if i shit my pants, you'd fire me. you'd have me escorted out. two months ago there was a homeless man in the store eating some pizza he bought from the store and he shit himself in the cafe area and you had him escorted out, then everyone laughed about the story when security told you about it. fuck you both. i hope you die on the way home. i hope a homeless man shits in your mouths after you become corpses. i hope you decay on the sidewalk, as a pigeon eats your fucking face off. i'm going on my fifteen minute break now."

mallory whitten drew a picture related to the excerpt of "the no hellos diet" i read last weekend at EAR EATER 10.

expressionless disgust is my nationality

this is an open apology to anyone i've mistreated in the last few years. i feel like there's been a lot of people i've mistreated without realizing it. if you feel i've mistreated you then i apologize. it's hard for me to know how to behave.

here is a good review of THE NO HELLOS DIET

the character "Sour Cream" seems to be loved by many

also, if anyone brings a gun to the EAR EATER reading this saturday, i'll seriously either shoot myself or jordan castro with it.

also, i just finished writing the best book of american poetry ever written. it's called "north america, i hate you."

which gang is better, "vicelords" or "latin kings." they are fighting in uptown and i need to know which side to join.

i feel like "not giving a fuck" is something people say and then at some point you realize it's true and it's not as fun as it seemed when you were just saying it.

"person" is being translated into turkish i think but the press has stopped talking to me. "clone" is being translated into Argentinian spanish. if anyone else wants to translate some books and pay me for it or not, email me.

there's an abandoned store in uptown, right by the wilson red line, and it's boarded up and gated shut and there's a handpainted sign above it that reads "Internet Chat Room." it seems fucking terrifying.

i'm really depressed but i feel violent and angry.

american youth in chicago, no friends, no career, and no ambition.

"the coachwhips" and "meth teeth" are pretty good bands though.

:)

EAR EATER 10: SO FUCKING BLEAK

i'm reading this saturday at EAR EATER 10. jordan castro, megan boyle, mallory whitten and miles ross will also be reading. here is the information.

BUY MY BOOKS AND BUY MY FRIENDS' BOOKS

i am re-typing all of FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO from the book into a wordfile because i don't have the wordfile. i like this book the most.

someone blogged a few lines of dialogue from the play "be nice to everyone 2" from THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME.

and here's a review of PERSON.

hey fuckers!

if you read any of my books and want to write an amazon review, that will help.

don;t worry, i'll still have little money and a radically fluctuating sense of self-worth.

also--

LAZY FASCIST 2012:

I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT

&

FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO

i liked reading this a lot.

here's the first half of THE NO HELLOS DIET on vimeo, read by jackson nieuwland. it's really nice to watch and listen to.

jackson nieuwland will be reading the entirety of THE NO HELLOS DIET here, online at six pm central time, monday.

if you like it you can buy it here.

two things

"frowns need friends too" is out of print for a little bit. it will be out again through lazy fascist press sometime soon.

also, i have four days or two hundred minutes left on my awesome prepaid phone. if anyone wants to record a phone interview to put on the internet, email me. it would have to be in the next four days and you would have to record it. think of the possibilities!

sampinkisalive@gmail.com

COMPUTER

i dont have a computer anymore.

if anyone has a relatively unshitty laptop that you'd be willing to sell for very cheap, or trade for something, let me know.

the only thing that i own that is actually worth the same as a laptop, is a set of speakers. it's two speakers, each a 2 X 15 with a built-in cone.

other than that, i have a gym mat that i sleep on, a small box of books and drawings, and a cat named Rontel, but i can't trade him because he acts crazy if i'm not around.

i'd also be willing to make a "clean your house anytime" coupon for you.

email me, sampinkisalive@gmail.com

i look forward to being asked if i'm gay in the comments section.

i am imagining a pilot in a spaceship, and s/he is saying, "we are nearing, total isolation."

GOALS

these are my goals for the upcoming two years.

edit and re-release I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT

finish and publish the greatest book of american poety ever written.

finish and publish a novel about becoming an adult.

then i either want to move out of chicago and live in the woods by a small body of water or: be a garbage man or: father a really really big number of children or: kill myself in a hotel room or: get a job as someone who paints the inside of buildings like i used to do.

also, if anyone is willing to pay me to write blog posts for a week or two or however long, that would be good. i feel like i might have ideas and i could write ok articles and i need money for food and bitches and also i need to re-sole my shoes because there is a hole in each of them.

here are some examples of blog article ideas i have: "the use of second person narrative" "extreme writing" "realism and responsibility" "how to hate yourself into becoming a better person" "criticism and hurt feelings" "the internet" "my experiences as a 'writer'" "selling out"

i just got an email from someone offering to sell me the domain name "extremedepression.com"

it wasn't a spam email.

does anyone have 475 dollars so i can buy "extremedepression.com"

how's everyone feeling, everyone all right?

i bought a pair of pants at the salvation army yesterday. it's the best pair of pants i have ever owned. i'm being serious. they have the perfect combination of "ass" and "genital" room. i've worn them every day since i bought them, even to sleep. when i was buying them, a homeless man threatened to kill me. he was smiling though.

i feel very interested in doing readings. if you want to me to read in chicago, let me know. i'll fucking come to your apartment even if no one is there. i'll read in an alley. i'll read to you while you stand on the sidewalk and i lean out my bedroom window.

how's everyone doing. everyone ok?

extreme depression.

am i going to die this winter?

hey there was a slight problem with the cover of "hurt others" but it is fixed now. if you already bought it, you can cut me at my next reading.

how's everyone doing.

'THE NO HELLOS DIET' AND 'HURT OTHERS' AVAILABLE TODAY

hey. both books are out today.


THE NO HELLOS DIET

a novel (88 pages, hey i can read that much!)

GOODREADS PAGE


HURT OTHERS

anti-stories (120 pages, hmm, that's getting up there i don't know)


wow, sounds like fun. i think i'll stop by amazon and scoop up these smokin' hot shits. and hey, maybe i'll write a review, or when i'm done reading them, pass them off to my friends. maybe i'll read them and try to fight the author at the next reading i see him at. maybe i'll cultivate a poisonous attraction to him and then end up murdering him. maybe i'll give the author alcohol/whatever next time i see him. maybe i won't even read them. or maybe i'll read them and just nod and think "not bad" and then not think about it anymore. maybe it's time to finally kill my neighbor, or at least paralyze him.

if anyone wants to talk about anything, email me sampinkisalive@gmail.com

gustavo rivera has translated I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT. i think it is going to be published in argentina.

quiero matar myself.

here is a video of someone reading the last poem in FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO.

late this year or early next year, Lazy Fascist Press will re-issue I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT.

here is a poem from it:



APARTMENT


Every time I come home, I stand in the doorway and say,
"It's time for a monster to eat me now."

Then it does.

When I go to bed and pull the covers open, I say,
"It's time for a monster to eat me now."

Then it does.

Every time I get out of bed I say,
"It's time for a monster to eat me now."

Then it does.

Every time I leave my home, I say,
"It's time for a monster to eat me now."

Then it does.

LAZY FASCIST 2011 (click on images to enlarge and read)

is it ok to bring a blanket to readings, so that after you're done reading (regardless of whether or not the audience liked it) you can put the blanket over your head and wrap it around your face to walk to the back of the room without being looked at.

yesterday i went to sneeze and almost didn't clench my asshole in time. i just barely made it. after the sneeze, i laughed and thought, "oh shit i almost didn't make it" and then i immediately stopped laughing and thought, "did i try to do that on purpose, and if so, why." it was hard to trust myself the rest of the day. have a nice sunday everyone.

i'm going to be doing a reading this thursday at a taco bell with larry bird and you should come, there's going to be a "who can hit me in the eye hardest" contest and it'll be great.

i was interviewed at HEAVY FEATHER REVIEW.

a new review of PERSON at 'the scrambler.'


the magazine of bizarro fiction has an excerpt from THE NO HELLOS DIET