here's another review of FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO.

I KILLED MYSELF

here is the schedule for the DIT fest in ohio.




here is a very short thing at VINYL.


here is a review of FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO




you can pre-order YOU HEAR AMBULANCE SOUNDS AND THINK THEY ARE FOR YOU.

YOU HEAR AMBULANCE SOUNDS AND THINK THEY ARE FOR YOU

ORDER HERE.

100 copies.

a three-thousand word chant.

ships 10/01/10

i'm going to be reading at a festival in kent, ohio on September 10th and 11th, with noah cicero and jordan castro.

here is a review of "frowns need friends too" by steve roggenbuck. in the review he mentions that his mom thinks i am morbid. a lot of people have told me this in person. it feels normal.

the august issue of THE LIFTED BROW will contain the first chapter of "PERSON." i am doing the last edits on "PERSON" now.

for some reason it was really hard to type this post. like, it seemed really hard to think of words and put them in the right order and spell them correctly.

"i want you to know that Rambo is a first rate soldier...what you call hell, he calls home."

yesterday both of my temples hurt badly all day, from grinding my teeth in my sleep. i could barely eat things, because it hurt.

i had a dream a few weeks ago that made me feel different. now instead of feeling like a dead rat being poked with a charred stick, i feel like a smiling dead rat being poked by a charred stick, and the poking is being done by a person who is not trying to poke me, but rather is just trying to stand using the charred stick like a cane. (not sure if that is how you spell the type of cane someone uses to walk).

the song "tractor rape chain" by guided by voices is a good song to me.

if anyone who lives in chicago is reading this, and has some heroin that isn't HPPP/some heartattack shit, we can get together and i will do the heroin and the other person can film a video of me talking about whatever the other person asks. (not joking/trying to be cool). maybe we can start a literature blog that features videos of people on heroin talking about things, unscripted.

i read THE CONDEMNED the other day and i really liked it.

i am looking forward to it being fall.

1.



2. the paperhero press website has been re-done. now featuring an extra blurb from my neighbor. all the orders for "clone" have been mailed. it will be on amazon soon too.


3. here are two articles (1 and 2) about the subway stop in my neighborhood, Uptown. the articles are funny. the subway stop has been rated "the worst in all of chicago" for the second time now. among the topics discussed in the articles are: bums, crackheads, violence, urine-stench, sexual harassment, guns and disgust. here is a collection of some of the lines i liked the best from the articles: "train reeks of human urine...chances are good (late at night) that you'll get mugged...I was specifically told by a miscreant how much more money he needed and what he needed it for: 'Man, I need 15 cent to get me a forty'...This place needs a bath...there is too much human poop on the stairs to give it more than one star."

2 NEW BOOKS THIS FALL FROM "LAZY FASCIST PRESS"

September 2010: You thought it was over. You thought you'd never pay 18 dollars for a book written by a marginally-talented, incredibly-handsome writer. You were right. This internet classic, a series of plays originally released by Six Gallery Press, finds new light this September. This September 11th, there will be a new holocaust. More reasonably priced and more widely available, this lost classic will reign supreme like Lord Satan pissing butterflies into the mouth of a broken legged Virgin Mary. Newly edited, newly right-justified, The Self-Esteem Holocaust Comes Home is sure to perform a psychic vasectomy. In Holocaust, we meet three violent policemen on the search for The Greatest Dad in the World. But why does one of the policemen have a ripped open face? And why is there a bus full of people heading towards an earth consuming fire? More importantly, why are two young men at a fast food restaurant talking about freezing bees? And good god, why are there two young ladies in the backyard during a halloween party, shaving each others' legs with a piece of a broken jaw bone? A looped video of a man with Down's Syndrome getting murdered with a baseball bat. A dead raccoon thrown into a tree. A pedophile waiting in the woods for his young boyfriend. A man alone in his apartment watching the people next door have a birthday party. An intact deer-spine for sale. Say what? What will become of the old woman who slits her young boyfriend's throat? And why does she call her boyfriend a name that is not his? And why does she give him a calculator for his birthday? Will anyone survive? Will this book fare well on goodreads? And when will the policemen be happy? Not until each suicides himself. This fall, the holocaust comes home. This fall, a scarcely reviewed book without a discernible genre becomes real, becomes paper, becomes something people are embarrassed to read. Where will you be when the self-esteem holocaust comes home?





October 2010:

You see him at the 7-11. You see him at the bus stop, trying to look at you without being seen himself. Who is he? He is a person. In this debut novel, a person walks around Chicago contemplating the possibility of starving to death on purpose. He borrows his roommate's car to drive around and then nap in. He goes out to look for a job but just talks to bums and imagines forming friendships with people on billboards. Who is the person? The person is you. The person is me. The person is sitting in his room shooting an empty pellet gun at his face, feeling the slow exhaustion of a Co2 cartridge against his frowning face. The person sits in a bathtub reading his roommate's yearbook. He considers the possibility of creating a piece of paper that is a contract mandating worldwide friendship. He buys food at Jimbo's and calls Jimbo after eating it, just to talk to someone. In every one of us, there is a person. In every one of us there is a person willing to spend ten dollars on a hundred page book, then review it on amazon. This October, a person says, "I am a person." This October, you will meet a person. This October, you will spill beer on this book while telling someone else about how it's "ok, but sometimes too much." You will see persons everywhere, and you will invent new and splendid ways of not getting along. You will read this book and remember why you mainly read books that have sex in them. You will become...a person.

FUCKERS

don't buy "holocaust" off amazon. it will be out at a cheaper price, it will be nicer looking and it will be edited more fiercely, in like a month--from a different press. don't be dumb.

also, i will mail someone a free copy of "frowns" if he or she reviews it.

also here is a haiku i have in isReads

SOMEONE WAS SHOT OUTSIDE MY APARTMENT BUILDING A FEW NIGHTS AGO

ha ha. i withdrew the book "The Self Esteem Holocaust Comes Home" from Six Gallery Press. don't buy it off amazon. it will available from a different publisher soon. it will be cheaper and more widely available. i will still be getting copies to those who bought them off me. i know i know, it doesn't matter. :)

JOE CALZAGHE

the editor of WRONG TREE REVIEW asked me to do the cover for the next issue. here is the original drawing/painting and also the one i titled:









also, here's a review of I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT

willows wept press is going to publish a chapter book of mine next year. the chapter book is called YOU HEAR AMBULANCE SOUNDS AND THINK THEY ARE FOR YOU. it is a single, long poem.

also, i got an email from someone asking to buy some original art off of me. if you would like to commission me to make some new art for you, email me: [sampinkisalive@gmail.com] here is most of the art i have done: moronculture.blogspot.com

the stuff i am making now seems better.

also, i usually don't know what to think in emotional situations so i end up imagining myself standing up from behind a large rock, myself wearing sunglasses and holding a rocket launcher, then i shoot the rocket launcher and it makes a sound like someone coughing, and flies come out. i'm 27. i end up hating or seriously disliking almost everyone i meet. most every goal or ambition seems unappealing because i know i still have to be myself no matter what is accomplished. the part of my face by my mouth hurts, because i have been unknowingly grinding or clamping my teeth all day lately. the roulette is: pathetic-sad, insanely-angry, paranoid, and petty. whenever i'm out walking and a car passes me, the little kids in the car are always looking at me. i assume it's because they are welcoming their future. no, the new roulette is: feeling-unstoppable, and/or feeling-like-i-am-willing-to-peacefully-wait-to-be-dead. i went to western illinois university for a semester and i was suspended for vandalism, and i was on surveillance for selling cocaine and nitrous and also stealing a car. i don't burn bridges i make them shitty enough to ensure they will fall with any weight. germany is going to win the world cup. i'm cursed. feels like at any point there are many people surrounding me, each letting out a short scream from a different place and each scream is a warning to stay still. i'm not sure it's worth making anything anymore it all seems to be a dumb game. it all seems like a procession towards realizing a new type of negativity that isn't even satisfying. the roulette is: either feeling like smoke trapped in a glass ball, or feeling like the glass that traps it. and i'm calm on the outside. i can be confused for a planet made of water. no, no, the last roulette is being almost amused at what new terrible shit you will create. the fourth of july is coming up. i found a very old thing of deoderant the other day and when i smelled it i felt sad. i want to be naked and covered in my own blood and then teach myself manners by shooting myself with a gun that shoots blue lightning. june 28th, 2010.

NORWAY "CLONE" AND INTERVIEW WITH SEAN KILPATRICK

a chapbook version of "i am going to clone myself then kill the clone and eat it" has been released in norway, by the publisher Flamme Forlag. here is the website. audun mortensen translated it. here is what it looks like:




also, sean kilpatrick interviewed me. i answered questions about the books i wrote, killing animals, self-mutilation and music. i answered the questions honestly and with a little bit of annoying humor.

here are some other interviews on sean's site that i've read and enjoyed:

gene morgan

tao lin

noah cicero

blake butler

SLAM DUNK, DUDE! (THREE THINGS)

1.

AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa......


(that's me falling into a pit of some kind)





.....aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA


(that's me joining you in the pit you're in)



2.






3.

i read and enjoyed this online.

AN ANALYSIS OF A PICTURE OF ME AT A READING/TOTAL NARCISSISM

1. HOOD ON INDOORS: perhaps an attempt to re-create the comfort of the womb? more likely a way to feel withdrawn. some speculate also this could be an attempt to secure oneself from getting "slimed" on top of the head. sources close to the subject however, maintain that the hood on indoors is merely a way to smash down hair during the critical growing out stage, so as to avoid "the poof."

2. MOUSTACHE: meant un-ironically. pure and simple an exhibition of the subject's cowboy masculinity. somewhat akin to the moustache of an older mexican or italian man, rather than a way to seem cool.

3. WHITE T-SHIRT: no doubt part of a three-pack from Target (9 dollars for three). the way the subject's necklace pinches down the collar would suggest a "v-neck" but no. it has yet to be confirmed whether or not this is the one from the three-pack that has a red wine stain on it.

4. BOTH HANDS GRIPPING THE READING MATERIAL: perhaps an attempt to avoid having to make motions with hands. more likely a characteristic sign of subject's normal pent-up energy.

5. OLD ASS BOOTS: going on two years of constant use, these boots were allegedly given to the subject by an old man after said old man saw the condition of the previous pair. the current pair is said to be flapping apart much like a hobo's tophat. current pair is also said to, "reek bad."

6. BACKPACK: perhaps a sign that the subject has no other way of carrying the books he brings to readings to sell and then shies out of asking people to buy.

7. CAPRI SUN (MOUNTAIN COOLER FLAVOR): no doubt a way to kill the dry mouth before a reading. sources close to the subject say he lives a life that requires the pure energy only a pouch can provide.

ha ha

REVIEW / WILLIS / BEN BROOKS / DAVID FISHKIND / THOMAS HEARNS

here is sean kilpatrick's amazon review of "the self esteem holocaust comes home":

"Best plays being written today issue from this young man. The Pedophile [And His Kindness] is one of the most disturbing and beautiful pieces ever written, I need to see this happen."

also, a few months ago i got a burned copy of "final draft" and then i wrote a play with it. the play is called "WILLIS." it is a single play that is 115 pages long. i sent it to a few places and now i am editing it again before i sent it out more. it seems like it has a plot and it also seems like what people would actually refer to as a play.

also, here are links to all three of ben brooks's books. i have read all three and i like them a lot.

FENCES

ISLAND OF FIFTY

THE KASAHARA SCHOOL OF NIHILISM (can't find link for this)

ben brooks


here is a story i like by david fishkind.


and here is a video of my favorite poem ever:

THE SELF-ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME (UPDATED)

you can buy THE SELF-ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME from the publisher, Six Gallery Press. yeah, this book still exists. it is twenty plays. i will have copies soon too. but if you send like, eight or ten dollars to the publisher, they will mail you the book. here is the publisher's email address:



Che Elias
rocketsconstrue@yahoo.com


UPDATE: i also have many more copies of "FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO" and a single copy of "I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT."

email sampinkisalive@gmail.com for pricing inquiries.

MYSTERY OF LIFE

man, i just noticed that my vhs tape of "mr. nanny" was in the sleeve for "suburban commando" and my vhs tape of "suburban commando" was in the sleeve for "mr. nanny"! haha! holy shit!

JOURNALS

here are three journals that published my work and are now out. each journal looks nice too, and has a lot of authors i like.


NEW DELTA REVIEW


SENTENTIA


COLUMBIA POETRY REVIEW

COLORING YOUR COLLAR WITH A MR SKETCH MARKER IS THE SAME AS COLOGNE

hello. i have some more copies of FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO (a book that has maintained a steady 4.67 stars on goodreads!). i need to sell them to pay for them. the book is about a post 9-11 warzone where up is down and down is up. if you want to buy one off of me, email me:

sampinkisalive@gmail.com

READING

i'm reading this tuesday at the QUICKIES reading series. the reading is at INNERTOWN PUB, chicago illinois. here's the line up:

Matt Trupia
Sara Levine
Jonathan Messinger
Natalie Edwards
Amanda Marbais
Sam Pink
Barry Graham

ANTONIN DVORAK

READ THIS POST AND THE POST BELOW IT.

noah cicero reviewed "frowns need friends too" on htmlgiant. all the quotes he used are quotes from the book. what a sweetheart! it makes me want to drink a big gulp of lake michigan water and get ecoli!

HERE'S SOME THINGS (UPDATED)

here's a thing IMPOSE MAGAZINE did with me:

five best things i recently read

here's a poem i wrote:




here's some poems by audun mortensen:

eight poems by audun mortensen


here's two books that i just read and like:

TIME AND THE OTHER

TOTALITY AND INFINITY

they are both by emmanuel levinas.


here's a picture of levinas with a double notched brow and a gold grill:



here is kelly schirmann's music:

click here ( then click on "nate" and weep)

here's something else:

if you want to listen to a recording of me reading part of a novel you can click here (i'm at the end). the reading was recorded live.

TUTORIAL/PICTURE ESSAY (#3)

this is the third installment of the "tutorial/picture essay" feature here.


the first installment: "How To Make Yourself Into A Blanket And Help Others" is here (part 1), here (part 2) and here (part 3).


the second installment "Ear Sizzles" is HERE.

i advise you to re-read these installments to be better prepared for this one. i got the idea for this installment a week ago. me and scott mcclanahan were drinking beer in an alley before our reading. we went to a 7-11 to get a brown paper bag for scott and i used the black plastic bag that came with the six pack. it was then i realized that a great lie had controlled my life up until that point. for it was then that i realized the brown paper bag is not the best way to drink in public, but rather, the black plastic bag is superior. i present the following tutorial on how to use a black plastic bag for more comfortable public drinking. beneath this post is a post that summarizes this post. thank you.


we've long been accustomed to using the brown paper bag to conceal the alcohol. and while its smell as a bag is superior to all others, it does have a unique flaw: a wet bottom can give way and leave you stranded.



as such, i began to conceive a new approach.



placing the beer into the bag, you will want to wrap the handles around the mouth of the beer can, snugly.



good, you're getting it! now, to finish off the apparatus, simply knot the handles, leaving a loop (thumb caddy) for easy manageability.


you've now taken a step towards evolving your life. below, please find a summary.

SUMMARY OF PREVIOUS INSTALLMENT OF TUTORIAL/PICTURE ESSAY

SAD-HEAD

1: CLONE is not on back-order any more.

2: i'm reading at the quickies reading on may 11th at "inner town pub" here in chicago.

3: order FROWNS.

4: who wins when you play hide and go seek with everyone else but you don't tell anyone.

who wins is everyone.

5: if you live in chicago and want to be my girlfriend, email me. i'll draw you pictures.

6: i'm reading "an island of fifty" by ben brooks and i like it.

7: i'm sorry if this blog sucks.

FUCK AMAZON

you can buy FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO off the publisher now, with free shipping. someone just told me amazon won't mail things to new zealand. fuck amazon.

BOOKS AND READING THIS SUNDAY AND JOURNALS

i have five copies of FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO, to sell. i need to sell them and not just give them away like usual, because i owe money for them. if you want to buy one for like, ten or twelve dollars, email me.

sampinkisalive@gmail.com

i will write something in them or make a bookmark for you to justify spending the money.

so, in conclusion, if you won't buy something off amazon because amazon is evil or whatever, then email me. also, if you would rather buy them off me, i will just keep ordering them to sell.

buy FROWNS from amazon

buy THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME from amazon

also, this sunday i am reading here in chicago at a bar called "the whistler." scott mc clanahan (mickey c) will also be reading. if you'd like to see one average reader (me) and one actually talented reader (scott) then come to the whistler. i am going to try to wear a confirmation robe i got a while ago from a friend, if i can find it.

here are two journals that are out now that have some of my writing in them:

dewclaw

sententia

FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO

you can buy FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO now.

GOODREADS PAGE

if you're a fan of good-ass shit, this is the book for you.

much like the second coming of christ on easter, this book will make you feel bad about yourself.

it doesn't cost 20 dollars on amazon like the other book. it only costs 10. you can buy it from the publisher or me at some point in the near future.

frowns is a collection of lines i wrote from 2007-2009. it's not the same book i posted a year ago. it has some of the same material though, and it also has what little remains from the chapbook "yum yum i can't wait to die."

i'm not sure what to say about the book. to me, it's my favorite thing that i've done. if you buy it, i hope you like it.

journalists are calling this new genre "schiz-emo."

also, poems in this book have been published by journals affiliated with colleges. which means they are automatically good.

i'm not sure what else to say. i'm bad at promotion. if you have ten dollars and you want to see some good-ass shit then throw down. if you hate my shit but want to give me another chance, then throw down.

part of me wonders what now-dead wwf wrestler "typhoon" has to say (pictured here as "tugboat"):




here is a book trailer i made with socrates adams florou. the video stars lake michigan.

SADDAM HUSSEIN

(CLICK ON THEM TO SEE THEM BIGGER)

MORON CULTURE

JESUS CHRIST

you can pre-order the journal SENTENTIA now. the journal published a chapter from something i wrote. the journal also has mary miller in it and some other people. paula bomer is one of the editors and she is a nice lady.

also, someone gave me a copy of the computer program Final Draft. i wrote a full length play/script/something-to-read using the program. i don't know what it's called yet but it is slightly less shitty than some other shit i did, though shittier than some other shit. it is close to the level of shit that can be observed in a conversation i have with someone i haven't seen in a while.

i read "a cake appeared" by shane jones and i liked it. i think each little section could be turned into a whole book. it's a book that i liked to read.

if someone has a copy of "the nicomachean ethics" and wants to trade or mail it to me for free, that would be cool.

i will have copies of THE SELF-ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME this week and i will sell them for cheap.

also, for some reason i just imagined a man in a confessional at church. and when the priest asks the man how he has sinned, the man says, "i kick too much ass" and then he puts on sunglasses and walks out the church and clicks a button and the church explodes.

fuck you.

UPDATE: MOVIE IDEA

here is a movie idea anyone can have if they write it. it's a movie called "minimum wage." it's about a young man who makes minimum wage. he is tired of his life. so he joins a poker tournament to help support himself and his wife and daughter. after many hard games of poker, and much time away from his wife and daughter, he eventually makes it to the last game where he can win a lot of money. his "enemy" bets on the last hand or whatever, and then while the main character is staring off, contemplating, the dealer goes, "are you in or out boy, the minimum wage is ____." the man character then looks at the dealer and says, "yeah but maybe i already wagered too much" and then he runs home to his wife and daughter and hugs them both at the same time.

THE INSURGENT

you can now buy noah cicero's new book, THE INSURGENT. i've read it twice and it's good.

you can also mail me blotters and i will write something especially for you.

BAD FATHER

click to see bigger

UPDATE: somebody told me about this. I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT can win a major award with your help. somebody showed me on goodreads that CLONE has been tagged as "no thanks" a total of one time. the highest "no thanks-ed" book only has three "no-thanks" tags. if you've ever wanted to publicize a non-choice, or at the very least if you'd like to see the book win a major award, then "no-thanks" the book. i think we can make it happen. they should have a tag that says, "maybe, we'll see."

FIVE THINGS

david peak interviewed me. it's an interview where we talk about writing. doing the interview really felt good. i like david. we used to live in the same area of chicago. we didn't know each other though.

also, a while ago when the journal NO COLONY opened up submissions for novella sized pieces, i started writing a long piece with sean kilpatrick. we are still working on it and i think it will be cool.

two books that i really want to read right now and would buy if i had a job are A CAKE APPEARED by shane jones, and ADAM ROBISON AND OTHER POEMS by adam robinson. THE INSURGENT by noah cicero is also coming out soon and i have read it twice and it's awesome.

also, if anyone has the album "hairdryer peace" by the band "the hospitals" and would like to email it to me, i would appreciate it. or any album by "thee oh sees." i promise i will then buy the album when i have money. last time someone tried to email me an album it didn't work though.

also, i just remembered that i read "james and the giant peach" when i was younger and i really liked it. i think the internet will soon know about roald dahl, "the john updike of the giant peach novel generation."

CALAVERAS

i have some poems (i think three or four) in a new thing called CALAVERAS. if you click on the link it goes to an interview the editors of CALAVERAS did with the poetry foundation. CALAVERAS is like, a set of seven pamphlet-like books that come together in a sleeve. i recognized these people in the contributor list: Julie Carr, Matthew Rohrer, Claire Donato, Emily Kendal Frey, Zachary Schomburg, Michael Earl Craig, Mike Young, Johannes Göransson. i think i might get two copies because of an address error, an address error which resulted in a mailman hanging himself from a tree out front of the apartment with a note in his pocket that said, "forgive me." if i do get two then i will give one to someone who wants it and will read it.

here is a picture of james toney. he's from detroit.

THE SELF-ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME

THE SELF-ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME is available now.


GOODREADS PAGE

i got a second proof and it looks fucking sweet.

(i am not lying this time.)

it's 300 pages of good-ass plays.

there are multiple versions of some plays and they all wind together somehow.

if you liked the ml press chapbook BE NICE TO EVERYONE, then you will like the book. BE NICE TO EVERYONE is in the book.

the end of the book is worth the price alone, i think.

people who read earlier drafts said it was like beckett.

one person said, "i didn't read it, sorry dude."

if you buy it, you can look forward to reading many awesome things.

i will have more copies soon to sell for cheaper than the amazon price.

i don't know anything about promotion except for trying to make the book good. but a lot of times people tell me they recommended my book to another person or other people and/or let those people borrow the book. so that is my promotion plan. if you like the book, tell someone else to read it or just let them read your copy. that seems cool.

if you write for a magazine email me for a review copy. (sampinkisalive@gmail.com)

in honor of the release, i have interviewed myself to get the real scoop:


me: how is book?

me: book is good. have funny things, have bad things, have sweet things. remind you of anyone?

me: ha ha. you are treasure. book make smiles?

me: yes, smiles on faces and money will appear in your pocket as you read.

me: fascinating. is book made of cocaine? tears?

me: whoa dude. book is made of dead relatives.

me: do you have future? die of AIDS maybe? cancer?

me: ha ha. we have to see maybe. anything is possible in america when the children are the future.

me: thanking you for your time

me: i am thanking you. always give me pleasure in my headhole.


also, john barrow helped me with layout and formatting. email him if you need help. he is the shit. give him money. dnbrwstr@gmail.com

if you write for a magazine and you want a review copy of THE SELF-ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME, email me (sampinkisalive@gmail.com). they will ready by the weekend.

i can't make it bigger for some reason. click on it to see it bigger. it looks nicer bigger i think.

MORON CULTURE.

UPDATE: THE SELF-ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME is on goodreads. thank you to whoever put it on there. people, if you care at all about how many stars i have, if you want me to be able to use my stars to upgrade my crystal sword and gain magic points, if you find stars to be the most effective way of expressing your feelings about a book, please read the book and fill out the page.

PIG DESTROYER IS A GOOD BAND

here are some things:

1. you can buy CLONE from the publisher again. i don't have any more copies.

2. i am reading in louisiana i think, in may. i need to raise money for a train ticket. if there is something you would pay me for doing, like work, let me know. pictures, writing, printed drafts of books that haven't come out yet whatever. i will do work for the money. if you live in chicago, i will clean for you or try to explain to your son or daughter the importance of the eternal return as the fundamental grounding of nietzschean metaphysics. i am also willing to paint your apartment or make you some food. if you need someone to watch a movie with and imagine things into the movie that make it funnier i will do that. i will also beat someone up for you.

3. here's my tip of the week. if you have a shirt that smells halfway bad, you can drape it over a chair and put the chair by a cold window. overnight it will smell fine again.

4. i am supposed to get a proof for THE SELF-ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME this week so if it looks ok it will be out soon.

5. i think i plan on burning out pretty soon. if you own a farm and need some help working it, i will be burnt out pretty soon. i am a good worker and i don't talk a lot.

6. if anyone has a book coming out soon, and it is like, a serious book, i think it would be cool to quote a slayer song on the first page. perhaps something from "altar of sacrifice" or "necrophobic."

click on it to see it bigger

HUMAN BEINGS ARE TOYS

i think six gallery press is going to put out the two novels i wrote. now i have to finish them.

AMISH MAN

I went to union station last week and while I was waiting for my train I bought a drink from a vending machine in the small arcade area. I was the only person there except for an amish man. He walked around with his arms behind his back, looking at the video games. He stood by one, watching the screen, where there were people murdering each other, and bombs going off. Then he walked over to a video game where you sit in it like a car. He sat in the car and pressed the brakes and some of the buttons. He watched the desert scene on the screen and he turned the wheel. His faced looked scared or upset or unsure. Another man came into the arcade area and started playing a game where you aim a plastic gun at the screen and shoot mutated people who have blood on their faces. The amish man watched, with his hands behind his back. I felt upset. At first I felt bad for the amish man, then I felt bad about myself. Then I realized that I was really upset about always feeling bad for other people. The amish man and I stood by the man playing the video game and we watched him shoot people on the screen. I almost laughed because I imagined me and the amish man in the video game car, driving away somewhere.

i can be a good wife.

IMPORTANT

hey. don't buy THE SELF-ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME yet. even though i just posted about it. there are a few things that need to be fixed with the printer. if you already bought one, i will send you a new one. for right now, it is off amazon. it will be fixed soon and then you can regret buying it AFTER you read it. not joking bitches. it will be fixed soon but don't buy it yet.

THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME

you can buy it.

i am holding it.

the title is a little crooked but i think everything is going to be fine.

it's 300 pages of good-ass plays.

if you liked the ml press chapbook BE NICE TO EVERYONE, then you will like the book. BE NICE TO EVERYONE is in the book.

the end of the book is worth the price.

the book is about teen vampires and their misguided love affairs.

i will have more copies soon to sell for cheaper.

FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO is coming out soon. it's more emo. if you like emo, you will like FROWNS.

i am moving one step closer to my goal of fucking kathy lee gifford.

NORWAY

this summer, FLAMME FORLAG, a publisher in norway, will release a more condensed version of I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT. the norwegian version will be called I LOVE YOU. thanks to AUDUN MORTENSEN, the translator. i think if i were to edit CLONE today it would be somewhat different. maybe not. who cares. i have the proof for FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO and it should be out soon. i feel very good about the next two books. i think about stuff a lot. does anyone in chicago need me to work for them. i need a job. i think about martin heidegger a lot. sometimes when i am taking a break from writing something i google pictures of martin heidegger and just look at them. for some reason people always talk about my boots. here is a brief rundown. i buy the same pair of boots every time. they cost forty dollars at walmart. they last me roughly two to three years. i wear them until the bottoms fall off. they are called "GUS." that's what it says on the box. the entire toe cap is steel. i wear them so i can kick someone's head in if i get jumped. they are also warm and comfortable after they are broken in. it is hard to break them in. right now i am breaking some new ones in. i have black scabs on my toes and ankles. i just picked one. how are you. i feel very little communion with anyone now. fake.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE ME WITH BOTH OF MY ARMS BROKEN

featherproof books published me as part of their triple quick fiction app for the iphone. if you have an iphone you can read a part of my novel that i edited out. you can then imagine how fucking sweet the stuff i didn't edit out is.

i am also in the new columbia poetry review. i think it comes out soon.

i wrote a review of scott mcclanahan's STORIES 2 at htmlgiant.

KETAMINE

the reading last night was cool. i read part of a grocery ad to begin. i don't think people liked it. then i read this poem:


APARTMENT

Every time I come home I stand in the doorway and say, "It's time for a monster to eat me now." Then it does.
When I go to bed and pull the covers open, I say, "It's time for a monster to eat me now." Then it does.
Every time I get out of bed I say, "It's time for a monster to eat me now." Then it does.
Every time I leave my home, I say, "It's time for a monster to eat me now." Then it does.


after i read it, i randomly said, "if anyone has any questions just let me know and i will handle them."

a girl with magenta hair said, "yeah, i have a question. that last one, is that like, literally what you mean."

i said, "yeah there are monsters in my apartment. it's terrible to be me."

i wasn't tryin to be an asshole.

then after another poem people clapped and when they stopped i said, "no, keep clapping."

THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME (six gallery press) will be out on or right around february 1st.

be a good boy or girl.

NARCISSUS

i wrote a novel. it's pretty much done. i had an idea that i would write one book that is two versions of the same thing, one "real" version and one "unreal." then the two books became different books. the "real" one is done. it's a short novel called PERSON. it's first person present tense. there's a part where a person does something. there's another part where the person does another thing. the "unreal" one is really long and it is not done. does anyone like gadamer.