i recently sat down with the internet's daniel bailey (affectionately referred to henceforth as butthole bailey) to get the scoop on his shit-stomping internet poetry skills. he's been described his mom as "my son" and by me as "totally hot". he's probably my favortie peot on the internet. let's see if we can't find open up the enigma that is butthole bailey, just a little more. also, look for butthole bailey to interview me on his blog in the upcoming day or two. we got to the bottom of the conspicuous absence of mastodons in literature and the use of quotation marks around every other word.
butthole bailey, i still urinate like i did in kindergarten, like, i pull my pants all the way down and hold my shirt up to my chin. what's a good rejoinder when i notice someone is looking at my weiner? i usualy say, "how'd that get there?" but i am looking to expand my repertoire.
one thing you could do is put your hands out to your side, away from your body, like you have third degree burns and then cry really hard. then start singing "i will always love you" by dolly parton.
this is good advice butthole bailey. you clearly have experience. my only concern is that my tears would fall on my weiner and then something weird would happen, like my weiner would get sad and start wearing black cardigan sweaters and listening to "bright eyes".
that's definitely a risk. remember when bright eyes was cool?
no i don't. your blog used to be called, "blogging to make middle aged women feel more pretty". i am really attracted to middle aged women and would like to have sex with them. the only problem is, i feel like after i have sex with them i would feel compelled to say something idiotic to make them aware of the age difference like, "oh shit i have to get home and take the garbage out or my mom will ground me and this weekend is the ice cream social at school." do you have any suggestions about how to either avoid this or treat middle aged women?
remember that most middle-aged women wish that their children didn't exist. after sex, hold them very closely, run your nose gently against the back of their neck. whisper, "so...about your kids...do you, uh..." then make a stabbing motion. "you want me to?" if she laughs then totally kill the kids. it will show her that you identify with her, that you understand her and her problems.
oh daniel, you are incorrigible. moving on. this is a choose your own adventure interview. do you:
1. enter the forbidden cave and seek out the mysterious wizard's lair?
2. hop on a hang glider and escape the oncoming gang of warlock priests?
the hang glider option. it sounds way more badass. also, i have a thing where i have to escape religious figures, and warlock priests count.
how come you look so damn good in bicycle shorts while you're rollerblading?
i wax my upper thighs with banana wax.
i like when you do the little half cirlce turn on the rollerblades and then skate backwards doing the "bang bang" motion with your fingers.
i like doing that.
sex is huge these days. if people aren't having it, their discussing it using childhood toys. my parents taught me about sex using legos. how did you learn? and what's a good way to heal a lego-cut on the inside of your butt?
i never learned about sex from my parents. i had to learn about sex at school, which was not the best way to learn. i grew up in one of the most conservative counties in america. fortunately, i didn't end up scarred by that. i learned about how sex works through free internet porn i guess.
in your memoirs "living to live a life that's worth being alive to live" you talk about your meth addiction. you said, "meth is like cheetos because it leaves your fingers all discolored" further thoughts?
meth almost took my life. but i don't regret doing meth. meth introduced me to lots of colorful folks, and by colorful folks, i obviously mean black people. i met lots of black people while on meth. we did meth and wrote really sloppy folk songs about racism. meth was invented by ronald reagan, i think. one time we smoked meth in front of ronald reagan's house. then we ate cheetos. we covered ourselves in cheeto dust and screamed until security chased us away. we were orange for awhile. that's what i meant by that quote. it actually leaves more than your fingers discolored. i don't know. i'm not a very good writer.
how come you ate the fruitsnacks out of my lunch in the breakroom?
because they were delicious, sweet, and cold, and shit. there. look. i've read a poem and know how to reference more famous poems. someone offer to publish my book now.
i don't know. i didn't answer your question really.
butthole bailey, sometimes when i'm playing battleship, and my opponent calls a direct hit, i say "nope," then i covertly move the piece so they won't figure out i'm lying. is that wrong of me to do?
i think it's wrong. you know how they say, "all is fair in love and war." yeah. it's a board game. board games require more dignity than love and war combined.
is that why you fabricate "get out of jail free cards" when we play monopoly you cheating bastard?
i used to carry one of those cards around with me at all times.
butthole bailey, there's this old guy that lives down the block from me. he looks like abe lincoln if abe lincoln were still alive and did heroin a lot. whenever i walk past his yard he yells at me to stay off his yard. i think when he dies, i am going to visit his grave and stand on it, and be like, "get off my yard". what song would be best to overdub in a video of me breakdancing on his grave and why?
bruce springsteen's "hungry heart." i think it would really show your joy.
you've written some poems about beer, and you are a fellow DRUNKard. what is the best kind of 40? my favorite is King Kobra because in chicago they are like a dollar.
i've only ever had a half warm king cobra. it was my first alcohol after a week on antibiotics. i didn't care about coldness. i just wanted to drink. it was pretty gross.
my 40 of choice is mickey's. i drink one before all poetry readings and then maybe get a gin and tonic from the bar where i'm reading. poetry readings are better with alcohol.
lastly, here's a question i am composing in the posting section of my blog, to which i will respond for you because there's nothing you can do about it, you're not even here. butthole bailey, is it true that you suck and no one likes you?
yes that's true, without question.