blake butler (author and non-meanhead) blogged about my book. he sent me a nice email about it and it made me feel better. he said if anyone had balls they would publish it which i like because now when it gets denied, i'll just send back an email that says: "oh ok, that's fine, but uh, just so you know, blake butler thinks you got no balls". that's comforting. the book is now completely done, i finished it yesterday by adding two new things, one of which is a really long poem called AND I SMASH MY SMILE AGAINST YOURS which i am proud of. there are a few people looking at the book but i haven't heard back from anyone. i am kind of worthless because it seems like if someone denies it, i will just delete my blog and jump into outer space to just float and cry and then when the tears float out i will eat them until i am dehydrated. writing the book made me feel better. i was very angry and self-destructive when i wrote it. i'd come home every day and stand in the doorway looking into my gray apartment and take a deep breath then walk in. then i'd microwave some oatmeal and lean on the my counter looking out my window at pretty girls as they walked by. then i'd walk up to my room and shut the door and lock it and sit down for hours straight. sometimes i'd lay back and look at my ceiling and feel strangely calm. but for the most part, i'd type while rocking back and forth and squeezing my hands really tight and there were a lot of lightning storms during the time i was writing and i was always hoping that a bolt would fly through my window and blow a hole in my chest and that i'd pass out dead on my laptop, so the last line of the book would be something like jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj. i kind of want to talk about the book a lot but i don't want to be boring. i think it calmed me, but when the fall comes i always feel crushed and angry again. we'll see. i hope the book gets published because i feel like it has value.
also, the jaguar uprising should be putting out the chapbook soon and from what i hear it is going to be way nicer than i imagined, although now i am worried because the design might be nicer than the material. it'll be like getting a gold box with a single lego inside.