How did you get in touch with the publisher?
Oh, hi Elena. How are you? What? Oh that sounds lovely. I am glad to hear that. Oh thanks, thanks, you too. Huh? The publisher? Mike Bushnell contacted me for YUM YUM I CAN’T WAIT TO DIE and Barry Graham found me sleeping in his closet and woke me up and told me he wrote down everything i said while i was sleeping and that he'd publish it. i named it I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT.
How do you come up with the awesome shit you come up with?
I open a drawer in my apartment that is labeled “Awesome Shit” and take some stuff out. Sometimes I open the drawer that is labeled “Awesome Ass Shit” and take some stuff out of that drawer and then mix the “Awesome Shit” with the “Awesome Ass Shit”.
Did you get to design your chapbook?
I drew the picture of the man with the black head eating his own eye. The publisher added the American Flag adornment.
What do you think of the "small scene"?
It is smaller than a bigger scene.
Are you single?
I am alone. I am looking at my window and thinking about running towards it and tripping face first through it. I think if somebody hugged me right now the whole world would be solved.
How often do people ask you if you're insane?
Every time they find me in their house rubbing my ass on their carpet like a dog.
Exactly what would you call your writing style? Poetry? Prose? Prosetry?
As previously elaborated, I would sometimes call it “Awesome Ass Shit” and sometimes it is “Awesome Ass Shit” mixed with plain old “Awesome Shit” and when I am so inclined I add some “Ballin’ Ass, Motherfuckin’ Cop-Corpse Sodomizin', Poke Your Own Eye Out Shit”.
When is your book coming out?
I don’t know this. I will say, this winter, and by winter I mean sometime from this very second into eternity.
Is your real name Sam Pink? (I've heard a story, I'm trying to find out if it's true)
I guarantee you will never know anything about me that is true. Oh wait, huh? What’s that Elena? Oh, yeah, I like you too! You’re nice! Oh no, you’re the nicest! Me? Come on, no you’re the super bestest nicest person! Fine! We both are! Let’s arm wrestle! I love you!
Does taping a thumb to an infant's forehead make them a unicorn, even though
they're not a horse?
Taping a thumb to an infant’s forehead makes them a unicorn. Your statement suggests adding a severed thumb to a horse’s head would make a unicorn. A horse is a horse, and an infant with a severed thumb taped to their head is a unicorn.
Do you enjoy pizza? (I ask this because I work at a pizza shop and I think you should come in so I can give you free things. I hear you're from Northampton.)
I enjoy pizza. If I were from Northampton I would sit where you work, i would sit there all day and take free things and say thank you for every free thing and I would say hi to everyone who walked in and then, after you walked out from behind the counter and said, “I hate you, you are annoying and I hate you”, I would nod and walk away peacefully.
Where do you want to go with your writing?
Elena Horwath, I didn’t mean to hurt you. That thing with Jessica, baby it was nothing. I—I wasn’t myself. You have to understand, I want to be with you, Elena, eating free pizza and talking to you about the random things I remember like “where’s waldo” books, please believe me, we can do “where’s waldo” books sitting at a booth together and I will go “ahhh man” every time you beat me to finding waldo and soon I will grow to associate my own disturbances with the sight of waldo’s face and waldo will be lost, both to the reader and to me. Very much. Please.
(Note: The following question is in reference to asking Elena Horwath for her soul for use in my army in a previous email)
What army am I fighting for? What are we fighting for? Why just my soul?
Elena, you see—I have this job to fulfill. I was placed on earth to undo everything that god has done. The problem is, the almighty has left traces of work everywhere. And I mean everywhere. I need your soul to burn down the house of god and draw the blood of his trophies over the piss-scalded earth beneath my legs. And, filling my own blood with god’s bone marrow, I will pray no more and keep the souls of my army in the pores of my tongue as they widen from the deteriorating bile I vomit, drowning god’s baby doves, and i travel the earth alone.
I can tell that you are a nice person, Elena Horwath, and that your soul would be perfect. And the reason I only need your soul is because god will murder your human body when god sees me growing, god is very jealous of you Elena and darn it, it’s time we pull god’s holy name through our teeth and shred it.
Do you have to have a mustache to be a child molester?
You don’t have to have a spoon to eat cereal but it is much much easier.