KENDRA GRANT MALONE

i met kendra grant malone two sundays ago. she was in chicago for her grandma's funeral. i met her on the corner of loomis and taylor. when i walked up to her, she said, "you are a giant." i said, "oh, ok" and then i ripped a tree out of the ground and brushed my teeth with it. we walked around deciding on a bar to go to and then i got lost in my own neighborhood. she said, "we're in your neighborhood, why are you lost?" i swallowed the urge to just run away, then i remembered where we were. we found a bar and went in. kendra got all nervous about whether to get the fries or the tater tots with her meal. she ordered fries. then she went to the bathroom. i ordered tater tots and told the bartender to put some floor cleaner in her food so i could eat her dead body later. when kendra got back i smiled at her like everything was ok. the bartender brought our food and kendra went, "oh man you got the tater tots!" then she took some of my tater tots. she asked nicely though. i can't remember what we talked about, but at a certain point there was one of those geico commercials on tv with the stack of money that has eyes. kendra said the stack looked manic and then i said how i feel like the stack of money would tell you to do bad things, but like, with a cute voice. the bartender came back around and said to me, "still nibblin' on those tots?" i saw the word, "kill" float through my head in neon letters. the bartender walked away and kendra said, "what a fucking dick." then i saw the word "friendship" float through my head in neon letters. we left the bar and walked to lucky's liquors to get tallboys. lucky's is where i saw a dead body before. and hopefully not my last! inside lucky's, kendra asked what we should get and i said, "six pack of tallboys." then i saw a stack of pickles that were sold singly in bags. i said, "and a pickle in a bag." she said, "i love pickles." i said, "me too, especially when they're in bags." i saw the number "666" float through my head in neon colors. the lady at the counter behind the bullet proof glass said, "what do you want" but it sounded like "was shoe juan." then, in the most white girl voice imaginable, kendra put her little purse on the counter and said, "can we please have a six pack of budweiser 16 oz cans." we left lucky's and decided to go to the lake to drink the tallboys. a quarter of the way there, we realized we didn't have paper bags for the tallboys. i told kendra that the police probably wouldn't care, but i wanted to avoid them because they make me feel like i am going to lose control. we decided to stop at gas station. kendra said since she had bigger boobs than me that she would ask for the bags. i agreed. i sat on a curb with the tallboys. a homeless guy came up to me and said, "yo lemme hit one a dose tallboys mang." i was like, "i don't know." then he goes, "come on mang, it's hot, lemme chug-a-lug one a dose, bwoy." then i went, "i don't think so." then he said, "aw it's cool, i don't drink anyway." he walked away and i missed him. kendra came back and said, "all they had was plastic bags." we continued walking and i ripped the plastics bags and wrapped them around the cans. we drank and walked to the lake. kendra kept calling me a giant every once in a while. then i said, "me smash" and i pounded a crater into the ground. i said some things that i can't remember but they made her say, "you are exactly like your blog." when we were almost at the lake, we decided to just drink at millenium park. we drank among some rusty sculptures of legs (picture here). whenever girls would come by and lay down for a little bit, kendra said which one she would do. an asian family walked passed and kendra said how she wants a baby. but like, she wanted to steal one not have one. when the asian baby walked safely away from us, i felt relieved for it. i couldn't figure out if i would have to defend the baby from kendra, or if i would have to help her steal it, like by getting in front of the dad and doing a distraction dance of some kind. we sat on the grass longer and kendra kept calling me names like, "meathead" and "dude-man bro." she asked me what i wanted to do with my life. i told her i think i was going to be hired at whole foods soon. either that or i would just rob people. she called me a giant again. i inhaled a cloud from the sky and blew it in her face. kendra smiled a lot. she looked at my shirt and asked if i golfed a lot. there were like, pictures of golf clubs and shit on my shirt. i said no. i said that i had just found the shirt on the ground at my apartment and put it on after making sure there were no spiders living in it. we left millenium park and walked along state street. we saw more babies. most of the babies were hispanic. kendra said her favorite kind of babies were hispanic. we passed by this one hispanic dude holding a baby and kendra made a weird sound while looking at the baby. the sound was like a dinosaur having an orgasm maybe. the man holding the baby looked at me, with a look that was like, "dude, are you going to stomp her or should i?" i nodded like, "it's cool dude. i'll stomp her." on the walk back, we peed in an alley, one after the other. she said her pee mingled with mine. at that point, i imagined a large monster forming from the mixed urine. nobody would like the monster because of how it smelled. but it would have a good personality. on the walk back, we stopped at another bar and drank some more, while watching a tribute to michael jackson on the tv. when the video for "we are the world" came on, the guy sitting behind us kept naming the celebrities when their faces were displayed. he seemed really impressed with himself. i was impressed too. i made a comment about how i like michael jackson because he always solved gang problems in his videos by dancing. i kept saying, "uh oh, now you done it." the bartender laughed. i saw the word "awesome" float through my head in neon letters. the bartender laughed. then kendra gave birth to an asian baby and it hit the floor. that didn't happen. we left the bar and walked back to my neighborhood. on the walk back, i jumped and tried to touch a really highup street sign, and i did. but when i landed, i twisted the fuck out of my ankle. we walked through alleys and got back to my neighborhood. kendra paused at the entrance of one alley, probably because she thought i was going to murder her. many many times when i suggest taking an alley, people later confess to being scared about me killing them. lol! on the walk back kendra said i wasn't too much of a meathead when she found out i like bell hooks and judith butler. we bought a six pack of pbr tallboys at the 7-11. in order for the beer coolers to be electronically unlocked, you had to say "beer" in front of them. the person standing next to us laughed and looked at us and went, "open sesami." i saw the word "enemy" flash through my head in neon letters. we bought the beer and kendra bought me a scratch and win which yielded a free scratch and win. we walked to a park nearby and sat in front of a christopher columbus fountain and drank beer without the bags on the cans. we kept pissing behind a bush. i imagined the bush coughing and wheezing every time we did it. kendra told me it was the most she had pissed publicly. i said, "welcome." we sat drinking the beers and throwing them into the bushes nearby. at a certain point, kendra suggested we become blood brothers like she did with daniel bailey. then she kind of chickened out. but i said we had to do it and i took an empty pbr can and twisted it until it broke in two. she kept trying to cut her hand but she was a huge pussy about it and it wouldn't work. i cut my hand pretty good and it bled a lot. then she got hers to bleed and we mashed hands together. eventually, i walked her back to loomis and taylor where her dad picked her up and i limped home with my fucked up ankle. i could barely make it upstairs and i sat on the couch, where i quickly developed a terrible fever, sweating and shaking. my ankle is still swollen, two weeks later. friendship.