THE VIRGIN MARY

xtx asked me to contribute to her ELEPHANT SUMMER project so i wrote a very short thing that included an elephant and it's up on her blog now.

also, find out why PDF WEEKLY is calling A MINIVAN FULL OF ANGRY HETEROSXUALS WITH CROOKED TEETH AND EVEN MORE CROOKED WAYS OF GETTING REVENGE, "the pdf we've been waiting for."

also, i will be getting copies of I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT in the mail again soon. if you have any electronic copies of any JESUS LIZARD cds, or the album 38 COUNTS OF BATTERY by PIG DESTROYER, i will trade.

LAST NIGHT I ATE DORITOS WHILE SHAVING AND RIGHT NOW I ONLY HAVE ONE SOCK ON

A MINIVAN FULL OF ANGRY HETEROSEXUALS WITH CROOKED TEETH AND EVEN MORE CROOKED WAYS OF GETTING REVENGE

READ IT BEFORE GENE MORGAN GETS SUED AND HAS TO RESORT TO SELLING GYM SOCKS ON THE HIGHWAY IN HOUSTON TO SUPPORT HIS FAMILY.

READING AT THE BOOK CELLAR

UPDATE: PICTURES FROM THE READING.

READ A REVIEW OF "I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT" IN CHICAGO'S "NEW CITY" MAGAZINE. I AM NOW FAMOUS. I WILL BE BUYING A SCARF AND RIDING AN OLD SCHWINN AROUND THE CITY SOON. I READ ON FRIDAY NIGHT WITH SCOTT MCCLANAHAN, BEN TANZER AND AMY GUTH. THE READING WAS FUN. WHEN I FIRST GOT TO THE BOOK CELLAR, SCOTT MCCLANAHAN WAS THERE AND HE SHOOK MY HAND. HE WAS WEARING A SUIT THAT WE LATER DETERMINED WAS "HALF SLEEZE, HALF BUSINESS." WE WENT TO A GERMAN RESTAURANT NEXT DOOR AND DRANK "BLACK BEER (SCHWARTZBIER)." SCOTT SWEET-TALKED THE WAITRESS. SHE WAS PROBABLY SEVENTY. SCOTT SAID HE NEEDED A "CHICAGO MOMMA." WE DRANK AND LISTENED TO A LIVE POLKA BAND FUCKING SHRED SHIT UP. ONE OF THE DUDES IN THE POLKA BAND, WE DETERMINED, LOOKED LIKE, "LARRY BIRD AFTER INGESTING SOME SORT OF SUPER-GENETIC OOZE, A LA SUPERSHREDDER IN TURTLES 2." PEOPLE DANCED TO THE POLKA MUSIC. WE LEFT AND WENT NEXT DOOR TO THE BOOK CELLAR. THE BOOK CELLAR WAS NICE. I MET BEN TANZER AND HIS MOTHER. I ALSO MET AMY GUTH. AMY GUT LATER TAUGHT ME WHAT A "MICROPENIS" WAS (SEE BELOW). THE WOMAN WHO OWNED THE BOOK CELLAR, SUZIE T, WAS REALLY NICE. I WAS WEARING A BACKPACK. SHE CAME UP TO ME AND SAID, "WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PUT YOUR BAG IN THE BACK." I WAS CONFUSED AND I THINK I LOOKED DEFENSIVE LIKE A HOMELESS MAN WITH HIS SHOPPING CART. SHE ASKED ME IF I WANTED SOMETHING TO DRINK AND I ASKED FOR WATER. I OFFERED TO GO GET IT MYSELF AND SHE LAUGHED AT ME. AROUND THIS TIME I BEGAN ASKING FOR THE BATHROOM KEY EVERY FIFTEEN MINUTES TO PISS OUT THE BEER AND THE WATER. THE GIRL AT THE FRONT DESK EVENTUALLY JUST HANDED ME THE KEY WHENEVER I CAME UP TO HER. BEN READ FIRST. HE DID GOOD. THEN AMY READ. IT WAS GOOD. I DIDN'T SEE THE END BECAUSE I WAS PISSING. WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE BATHROOM, THEY HAD ALREADY CALLED ME UP TO READ. I WENT TO THE FRONT AND SAID SOMETHING LIKE, "I'D LIKE TO THANK THE BOOK CELLAR FOR THE GLASS OF WATER." THEN I READ THE LONGEST THING IN CLONE. I DON'T THINK I LOOKED UP ONCE, OR WAIT, I DID, BUT IT WAS TO CLARIFY THAT BY THE SEARS TOWER, I MEANT THE WILLIS TOWER, WHICH IS WHAT IT'S CALLED NOW. MY MOUTH WAS TRILL DRY THE WHOLE TIME. I ALMOST CRIED AT A CERTAIN POINT WHEN I REMEMBERED HOW SICK MY GRANDPA IS. AFTER I READ, I SAT DOWN IN THE BACK TO HEAR SCOTT READ. SCOTT WAS AWESOME. HIS BOOK, "STORIES" IS HONESTLY ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS TO COME OUT RECENTLY. AT THE BEGINNING OF ONE OF THE STORIES ABOUT TELEMARKETING HE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL EVER BEEN A TELEMARKETER BUT I KNOW I HAVE." EVERYBODY LAUGHED. PEOPLE WERE FUCKING LAUGHING HARD DURING HIS STORIES. IT MADE ME THINK I SHOULD HAVE READ SOMETHING FUNNY. IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS READING, I FELT A TAP ON MY SHOULDER. I TURNED AND THIS OLDER WOMAN, WITH A PRETTY ACCENT (SPANISH OR ITALIAN) ASKED ME WHERE THE THING I READ WAS FROM. I HELD UP MY ONLY COPY OF CLONE. SHE ASKED HOW MUCH AND I JUST GAVE IT TO HER. SHE SAID, "MY SON WILL LOVE THIS." THEN SHE HAD ME SIGN AND DATE IT FOR HER SON, WHO WAS NAMED "JOHN HENRY." AFTER SCOTT READ, WE ALL WENT BACK TO THE GERMAN RESTAURANT. "GERMAN MUTATED LARRY BIRD GUY" WAS OUT FRONT AND I ASKED HIM WHERE AN ATM WAS. HE POINTED ACROSS THE STREET AND SAID, "DEY ISS WON OVAH DEIR." I SAID THANKS AND HE SAID, "I LIKE YO AIR-COT." HE POINTED TO MY HEAD. I SAID, "OH THANKS DUDE." AT THE ATM, ANOTHER MAN WAS NEXT TO ME, AND HE WAS ARGUING WITH THE ATM MACHINE LIKE IT WAS A HUMAN. WE WENT BACK TO THE GERMAN RESTAURANT AND DRANK MORE. AMY GUTH TALKED ABOUT THE CONDITION "MICRO PENIS" AND THEN PASSED HER IPHONE AROUND TO SHOW US A PICTURE. IT MADE ME FEEL REALLY GOOD. THEN BEN TANZER TALKED ABOUT "DONALD KENDRICK" WHO WAS A GUY ON THE WRESTLING TEAM AT HIS SCHOOL WHO HAD THE BIGGEST DICK EVER. I COULDN'T STOP STARING AT A REALLY OLD COUPLE TEARING SHIT UP ON THE DANCE FLOOR. THEN A BUNCH OF FRAT-TYPE PEOPLE CAME IN AND STARTED YELLING, "DAS BOOT." THEN THEY STARTED DRINKING BEER OUT OF A HUGE GLASS BOOT. THEY POINTED AT ME AND YELLED, "DAS BOOT." THEN THEY HANDED ME THE BOOT AND I DRANK FROM IT AND PASSED IT AROUND THE TABLE. LATER, ANOTHER DUDE PASSED ME HIS BOOT AND I KILLED A LOT OF IT. I FINISHED IT. THEN HE WENT OVER TO HIS FRIEND AND SAID, "DUDE I DRANK THE WHOLE THING MYSELF" EVEN THOUGH I HAD MANY WITNESSES THAT COULD STATE OTHERWISE. I SAID GOODBYE TO EVERYONE AND PISSED BEHIND A DUMPSTER. I HAD TO PISS SO BAD I ACTUALLY COULDN'T WALK STANDING STRAIGHT UP. I TOOK THE TRAIN HOME AND ATE A BUNCH OF HOT POCKETS AND FELL ASLEEP WATCHING "BIG FAT LIAR" ON TBS. GOOD SHIT.

A MINIVAN FULL OF ANGRY HETEROSEXUALS WITH CROOKED TEETH AND EVEN MORE CROOKED WAYS OF GETTING REVENGE

Gene Morgan, texan and father of two, posted a poem of mine on his twitter press. it's fifty really short pages of lines i cut and pasted from emails. it is called:

A MINIVAN FULL OF ANGRY HETEROSEXUALS WITH CROOKED TEETH AND EVEN MORE CROOKED WAYS OF GETTING REVENGE

also, andy riverbed, puerto rican, and father of the sea, has posted a translation of SEVEN VERSIONS OF THE SAME VERSION (scroll down).

the original version is at NO POSIT, and in I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT, the wackiest, zaniest, most latently communistic book out there! available from PAPERHERO PRESS now now now!

and don't forget this shit:

Friday, July 24, 2009
Scott McClanahan, Ben Tanzer, Amy Guth & Sam Pink

Join us for a reading with some excellent authors! Tonight's lineup includes Scott McClanahan, author of the short story collection (STORIES), Amy Guth (Three Fallen Women), Sam Pink (I Am Going to Clone Myself Then Kill the Clone and Eat It), and Ben Tanzer (Lucky Man).

Start time: Friday, July 24, 2009 At 07:00 PM

come see me sweep the floor when everyone leaves, and then get paid with a free coffee drink from the dunkin donuts across the street, then walk home alone.

good interview with blake here as well.

THERE"S A MOSQUITO BITE ON MY CHEEK AND IT LOOKS RIDICULOUS

some stuff:

GUSTAF 3 will be out soon. i have two poems from FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO in it and a play from THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME. the cover looks a melted clown face. or wait no, like someone vomited gummy worms. i imagine the whole staff from gustaf doesn't wear underwear.

i am doing a thing with gene morgan on his twitter press. it's a poem called A MINIVAN FULL OF ANGRY HETEROSEXUALS WITH CROOKED TEETH AND EVEN MORE CROOKED WAYS OF GETTING REVENGE. it's a long poem, composed of lines i took from my emails. coincidentally, blake butler just published something similar, but with gchat lines here.

lastly, i am editing a poem to be hopefully used by PANGUR BAN PARTY. the poem is called BERNHARD GOETZ. it is two poems i cut from FROWNS mixed with other new material. it's more of a line by line kind of poem than a complete poem. you fucking bitch. i drew a picture of bernhard goetz that i will post soon.

i'm reading NAKED LUNCH again.

my ear is infected again.

i am wearing umbros. remember those?

i thought i was having a heart attack yesterday and it seemed really peaceful

i'm reading this weekend. here's the shit from the book cellar website:

Friday, July 24, 2009
Scott McClanahan, Ben Tanzer, Amy Guth & Sam Pink

Join us for a reading with some excellent authors! Tonight's lineup includes Scott McClanahan, author of the short story collection, Amy Guth (Three Fallen Women), Sam Pink (I Am Going to Clone Myself Then Kill the Clone and Eat It), and Ben Tanzer (Lucky Man).

Start time: Friday, July 24, 2009 At 07:00 PM

i don't know what i am going to read. i heard the book cellar will be serving balls of duct tape for hors d ouevres.

I HOPE EVERYONE IN YOUR FAMILY DIES PAINFULLY

I ALSO HOPE EVERYONE IS HAVING A RAD SUMMER!



I'M 26



I DON'T HAVE A JOB



I HAVE HIV MONSTERS IN MY EYES



MORE THAN ONE PERSON HAS TOLD ME RECENTLY I AM A DISAPPOINTMENT

I'M NOT MISOGYNISTIC

so fuck you

YOU ARE HAVING FUN BUT IT WILL END

aw shee-it. two new interviews up at dogzplot. i interviewed ms. regina supper, an adult entertainer, and i interviewed adam robinson, (publishing genius editor and author of book of poems that i am really really looking forward to). i think you will like the interviews. here are the first questions to each of the interviews.


KAREN REGINA SUPPER

SP: what is a funny thing to say to someone when they first wake up? Is it wearing a gas mask then saying, “we need to move fast!”

KS: what was your name again?


ADAM ROBINSON

sp: give us a brief history of publishing genius press, and the reasons you started doing it (and you can't say pussy because, i don't know, maybe you can actually)

ar: Thanks for asking. You’re the first person to ever ask this. I’ve wanted to do a press forever, I don’t know why, maybe I wanted to just make everyone really like the books I really liked, or maybe it’s due to my tendency to start clubs. I mean, I am forever starting clubs. When I was a kid I would get all the neighbors together and organize things and explain rules, then some other kid would go, “Or we could just all be friends like we already are.”

KENDRA GRANT MALONE

i met kendra grant malone two sundays ago. she was in chicago for her grandma's funeral. i met her on the corner of loomis and taylor. when i walked up to her, she said, "you are a giant." i said, "oh, ok" and then i ripped a tree out of the ground and brushed my teeth with it. we walked around deciding on a bar to go to and then i got lost in my own neighborhood. she said, "we're in your neighborhood, why are you lost?" i swallowed the urge to just run away, then i remembered where we were. we found a bar and went in. kendra got all nervous about whether to get the fries or the tater tots with her meal. she ordered fries. then she went to the bathroom. i ordered tater tots and told the bartender to put some floor cleaner in her food so i could eat her dead body later. when kendra got back i smiled at her like everything was ok. the bartender brought our food and kendra went, "oh man you got the tater tots!" then she took some of my tater tots. she asked nicely though. i can't remember what we talked about, but at a certain point there was one of those geico commercials on tv with the stack of money that has eyes. kendra said the stack looked manic and then i said how i feel like the stack of money would tell you to do bad things, but like, with a cute voice. the bartender came back around and said to me, "still nibblin' on those tots?" i saw the word, "kill" float through my head in neon letters. the bartender walked away and kendra said, "what a fucking dick." then i saw the word "friendship" float through my head in neon letters. we left the bar and walked to lucky's liquors to get tallboys. lucky's is where i saw a dead body before. and hopefully not my last! inside lucky's, kendra asked what we should get and i said, "six pack of tallboys." then i saw a stack of pickles that were sold singly in bags. i said, "and a pickle in a bag." she said, "i love pickles." i said, "me too, especially when they're in bags." i saw the number "666" float through my head in neon colors. the lady at the counter behind the bullet proof glass said, "what do you want" but it sounded like "was shoe juan." then, in the most white girl voice imaginable, kendra put her little purse on the counter and said, "can we please have a six pack of budweiser 16 oz cans." we left lucky's and decided to go to the lake to drink the tallboys. a quarter of the way there, we realized we didn't have paper bags for the tallboys. i told kendra that the police probably wouldn't care, but i wanted to avoid them because they make me feel like i am going to lose control. we decided to stop at gas station. kendra said since she had bigger boobs than me that she would ask for the bags. i agreed. i sat on a curb with the tallboys. a homeless guy came up to me and said, "yo lemme hit one a dose tallboys mang." i was like, "i don't know." then he goes, "come on mang, it's hot, lemme chug-a-lug one a dose, bwoy." then i went, "i don't think so." then he said, "aw it's cool, i don't drink anyway." he walked away and i missed him. kendra came back and said, "all they had was plastic bags." we continued walking and i ripped the plastics bags and wrapped them around the cans. we drank and walked to the lake. kendra kept calling me a giant every once in a while. then i said, "me smash" and i pounded a crater into the ground. i said some things that i can't remember but they made her say, "you are exactly like your blog." when we were almost at the lake, we decided to just drink at millenium park. we drank among some rusty sculptures of legs (picture here). whenever girls would come by and lay down for a little bit, kendra said which one she would do. an asian family walked passed and kendra said how she wants a baby. but like, she wanted to steal one not have one. when the asian baby walked safely away from us, i felt relieved for it. i couldn't figure out if i would have to defend the baby from kendra, or if i would have to help her steal it, like by getting in front of the dad and doing a distraction dance of some kind. we sat on the grass longer and kendra kept calling me names like, "meathead" and "dude-man bro." she asked me what i wanted to do with my life. i told her i think i was going to be hired at whole foods soon. either that or i would just rob people. she called me a giant again. i inhaled a cloud from the sky and blew it in her face. kendra smiled a lot. she looked at my shirt and asked if i golfed a lot. there were like, pictures of golf clubs and shit on my shirt. i said no. i said that i had just found the shirt on the ground at my apartment and put it on after making sure there were no spiders living in it. we left millenium park and walked along state street. we saw more babies. most of the babies were hispanic. kendra said her favorite kind of babies were hispanic. we passed by this one hispanic dude holding a baby and kendra made a weird sound while looking at the baby. the sound was like a dinosaur having an orgasm maybe. the man holding the baby looked at me, with a look that was like, "dude, are you going to stomp her or should i?" i nodded like, "it's cool dude. i'll stomp her." on the walk back, we peed in an alley, one after the other. she said her pee mingled with mine. at that point, i imagined a large monster forming from the mixed urine. nobody would like the monster because of how it smelled. but it would have a good personality. on the walk back, we stopped at another bar and drank some more, while watching a tribute to michael jackson on the tv. when the video for "we are the world" came on, the guy sitting behind us kept naming the celebrities when their faces were displayed. he seemed really impressed with himself. i was impressed too. i made a comment about how i like michael jackson because he always solved gang problems in his videos by dancing. i kept saying, "uh oh, now you done it." the bartender laughed. i saw the word "awesome" float through my head in neon letters. the bartender laughed. then kendra gave birth to an asian baby and it hit the floor. that didn't happen. we left the bar and walked back to my neighborhood. on the walk back, i jumped and tried to touch a really highup street sign, and i did. but when i landed, i twisted the fuck out of my ankle. we walked through alleys and got back to my neighborhood. kendra paused at the entrance of one alley, probably because she thought i was going to murder her. many many times when i suggest taking an alley, people later confess to being scared about me killing them. lol! on the walk back kendra said i wasn't too much of a meathead when she found out i like bell hooks and judith butler. we bought a six pack of pbr tallboys at the 7-11. in order for the beer coolers to be electronically unlocked, you had to say "beer" in front of them. the person standing next to us laughed and looked at us and went, "open sesami." i saw the word "enemy" flash through my head in neon letters. we bought the beer and kendra bought me a scratch and win which yielded a free scratch and win. we walked to a park nearby and sat in front of a christopher columbus fountain and drank beer without the bags on the cans. we kept pissing behind a bush. i imagined the bush coughing and wheezing every time we did it. kendra told me it was the most she had pissed publicly. i said, "welcome." we sat drinking the beers and throwing them into the bushes nearby. at a certain point, kendra suggested we become blood brothers like she did with daniel bailey. then she kind of chickened out. but i said we had to do it and i took an empty pbr can and twisted it until it broke in two. she kept trying to cut her hand but she was a huge pussy about it and it wouldn't work. i cut my hand pretty good and it bled a lot. then she got hers to bleed and we mashed hands together. eventually, i walked her back to loomis and taylor where her dad picked her up and i limped home with my fucked up ankle. i could barely make it upstairs and i sat on the couch, where i quickly developed a terrible fever, sweating and shaking. my ankle is still swollen, two weeks later. friendship.

OCHO 25

OCHO 25 is here and it is edited by blake.

there's a shitload of good writers in it. i have two poems in it. one from CLONE, called PUBIC HAIR THAT IS HARD WITH BLOOD, and one from FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO, called I SAW A DEAD BODY ON THE CORNER OF ROOSEVELT AND ASHLAND (16 VERSIONS).

OH MY ACHING HEAD

click on it