YOU HEAR AMBULANCE SOUNDS AND THINK THEY ARE FOR YOU

riley michael parker (the guy who played "goldberg" in the mighty ducks movies), is going to publish a long poem of mine as a small, inexpensive paper book that has a spine made of staples. the poem is called YOU HEAR AMBULANCE SOUNDS AND THINK THEY ARE FOR YOU.

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now when i'm at work and people ask me where something is in the store, like if they come up to me and say, "could you tell me where the hand soap is?" i want to start saying, "if you look deep enough inside your heart, i think you'll find it's already there."

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if anyone is looking for a dj name, you can use this one: Shyce T (sheisty)

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(serious question) would it be possible to urinate in a brita water filter and then filter it over and over to get drinking water? (economic dude)

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a homeless man sang "bye bye miss american pie" into my face today at work.

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i have this thing now where i just laugh once as a response to some things before i even think. it is very obvious when that's an incorrect response.

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i started reading EMPIRE by Hardt and Negri. i stopped. i had read MULTITUDE before and liked it.

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when i hit my head on something, i try to recount facts that will convince me no damage has occurred.

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i get little ice cubes in my lungs. they're sneaky.

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today will be random email day. i will find a random address and email the following email:

"alright, the gun is in locker F8 at the gym. get it before tomorrow. you know what to do."

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i am working on getting someone to animate a cartoon i drew. it will probably happen but it will probably take a while.

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i am an angry man and i made this pocket for the things i constantly ignore. the pocket is huge.

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i just saw the word "aggression" flash through my head in neon letters.

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does anyone like THE WHITE MICE? i do.

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i overheard the end of a conversation between an old woman drinking a beck's 24 oz bottle and another women at the bus stop. the end was the old woman drinking the beck's saying, "and that was in 1977, i wonder what they would sell me for now."

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i can't remember if i said this before or whatever, but i totally get why some people just walk down the street yelling nonsense. i mean that has to feel fucking great.

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i empathize with rabbits. if i knew where there was a garden with full grown carrots in it, i would rob it too.

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$ bitch. $.

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some things you are allowed to strangle and some things you aren't.

BLIND SURGEON

here's a picture i carved/drew on the back of a takeout container (click on it):




and here's a story:

at work today a man came in riding inside some kind of plastic wheelchair device. he parked behind where i was bagging groceries. he asked me to come over by him. then he asked me to go get three bananas and a gallon of milk for him, and have them rung up. i could barely understand him. it seemed like he couldn't think of words or how to say them. i got the things and he left the store with them. an hour or so later i went outside to check for carts and i saw him on the ground, gripping his plastic wheelchair device and trying to get back up into it. there were two women standing by him looking concerned. they did nothing. i asked him if he needed help. he kept mumbling. he kept trying to stand but his legs looked all bent and worthless. he kept falling. eventually i just grabbed him beneath each armpit and lifted him into his plastic wheelchair device. he told me to wheel him over by the garbage cans. i wheeled him there and left him there. when i got home, my hands still smelled like his body odor from holding him under his arms. i get paid eight dollars an hour. i feel normal.

SOME STUFF

hello. lot of stuff. i am printing up HUMAN BEINGS ARE TOYS with my friend kari freitag. i designed one of the covers and she designed the other. i will post them soon. we will print them soon. i think we are doing the cover for the FOX FORCE FIVE chapbook collective too. will post that cover soon too. i think the books of plays is coming out after it gets laid out and shit. wrote something for riley michael parker's small press. i like it. maybe he will too. trying to finish a book to send to publishing genius. it is a book that is two novellas that are different versions of each other. the first half is regular stuff, like the thing just posted on everyday genius and the second half is a more illogical version of the first half. trying to burn out painfully. i start bagging groceries for a living tomorrow. does anybody hate me. my headphones are held together by duct tape. i had an idea for a "mulched" haircut yesterday but decided it wouldn't work. the hair would just fall all over. if you want me and kari to do some art for you, let us know. she draws a mean cat. like, a good cat, but her skills are mean. if i knew that the afterlife was just me cutting an enormous square lawn while listening to the song HYPERVIOLET by PIG DESTROYER i would kill myself right now. don't care. you bring things into the world that you later try to escape. this weekend will be a replica of all other weekends and it will fall asleep and wake up with a lurch because it had a falling dream. i have a lot of falling dreams. what does that mean? i also keep having a dream where only one tooth is about to fall out and i keep pushing it down with my tongue. i also had a dream where i had a son but it's head-hair was gorilla hair. and it kept laughing and it made me laugh real hard and i woke up laughing. i wake up laughing all the time. a feeling i keep having is that my entire head is made of like the exoskeleton of a beetle. and i see myself standing by a tree pounding my black beetle skin head into the tree. i'm not going to lie i really like natalie merchant's voice. do you think she would let me hug her? have a nice weekend. oh wait, here's a confession, i plagiarized a lot of CLONE. many of the words i used can be found in the dictionary, with almost the exact same meaning. have a nice weekend. thug life. 312 got no luh for no busters. oh yeah here are some pictures too:

DANIEL BAILEY"S "THE DRUNK SONNETS"

you can preorder daniel bailey's THE DRUNK SONNETS now. i read the book and blurbed it. THE DRUNK SONNETS is so gnarly it's like watching a reverse stabbing. here is the blurb:

"This book is the result of an emo kid writing a few words then leaving the room to do something else, then a drunk old man walks in and says "What is this goofy garbage," and he edits a few lines but agrees with others, then he leaves the room and a bored but insightful cat walks in with an electrical helmet on that transcribes its boredom onto the page, then it leaves and a man who has wronged many people and been wronged by many people walks in and tries to write what he feels but just sighs and some tears hit the page and the words blend and begin to like each other and finally a five-year-old version of Daniel Bailey walks in, the Midwest sadness embedded as deeply in him as his Kool-Aid moustache, and he puts his hands over the book and blesses it, right before running outside to see who is waiting to play with him and make up more awesome worlds than the one that currently holds his weight."

KILL AUTHOR ISSUE #2

KILL AUTHOR #2 is up. there are a lot of good people in it. i have two things in it. one is an excerpt from a play called ALL THE DISCIPLES. here is the context: it is a bunch of people on a bus and one person plays a message left on his phone, for the person sitting next to him, so he can prove that he knows other people. the other is an excerpt from HUMAN BEINGS ARE TOYS. i am going to print up HUMAN BEINGS ARE TOYS. i will talk about it later. i am looking forward to winter. when it's cold i will buy a hoodie with a hood that can completely cover my head and face and then i will put it over my head and face and ride around on the El train. i have no social skills and i know how to use them. happy monday everyone.

I AM GONG TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT

there should be more copies available in two weeks. barry said they will be done at the printer in two weeks. i will have some free copies to give away or trade for college degrees also. i need a bachelor's in computer science. or like, french theory so i can impress some people at awp next year. shit man.

AL QAEDA AFTERSCHOOL CLUB

is it possible to scream so hard your teeth come out of your face

ILLEGAL DRUGS

hello. i am reading at THE WHISTLER this sunday. bring your resume and a hazmat suit. here is an edit i did of the bio they have of me on their site.

Sam Pink (http://impersonalelectroniccommunication.com/)
Sam is an avid blogger, poet, and guy who makes a living cleaning off the flaky stuff from peoples' eyes right after they wake up. His debut collection of poems and other writings called I Am a Professional Shithead was recently released by Paper Hero Press. If he accidentally procreates, when he is told about it, he will look at the camera and go "did i do that." He is now a bagger at a grocery store.

i have candy in my pockets for you

pangur ban party put up a collection of lines i sent them, called BERNHARD GOETZ. it is some new material and a few lines i cut from FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO because they didn't fit. the collection looks long (58 pages) but each page is really short. send shit to pbp, dj is cool. he mailed me a picture of a clown smoking crack. it was like looking into a construction paper mirror. read BERNHARD GOETZ you fool! (completely true spoiler) there is a recipe for ether in BERNHARD GOETZ. highly illegal! not! educational purposes dog! here's the picture i made of bernhard goetz again:



(innee just the cutest!)

UPDATE: I AM READING ON THE 16TH AT THE WHISTLER HERE IN CHICAGO.

HUMAN BEINGS ARE TOYS

i wrote a chapbook length poem called HUMAN BEINGS ARE TOYS. i like it more than anything else i've done. does anybody know good chapbook publishers. i sent it to greying ghost. and that's about the only place i know. there aren't any jokes or anything that's too weird in it. it seems really serious but not in a "this guy's a butthole" type of way. i would just make it myself but i have no money now. if you want to read it to see where it might fit in, email me and i will email it to you. it won't take a lot of time to read. don't be a butthole. i think i am losing my sense of humor.

HI MY NAME IS BERNHARD GOETZ! (UPDATED)

UPDATE!!!!BERNHARD GOETZ WANTS YOU TO READ THIS SUPER AWESOME FLASH FICTION PIECE AT EVERYDAY GENIUS, EDITED BY MICHAEL KIMBALL!




HI MY NAME IS BERNHARD GOETZ! HOW ARE YOU DOING? I AM FINE. I HAVE NEVER WON A GAME OF BATTLESHIP UNLESS I CHEATED BY MOVING MY SHIPS AROUND WHILE ACTING LIKE I WAS JUST RE-ORGANIZING MY RED AND WHITE PEGS. MY RETIREMENT IS A VIDEO OF ME IN A BASEMENT ON A FOLDING CHAIR WITH A BAG OVER MY HEAD AND THE WORD "SCUM" WRITTEN ON THE BAG IN DUCT TAPE AND THEN I FALL OVER AND THE SONG "SLOW RIDE" BY FOGHAT COMES ON. YOU WIN. HAVE FUN TODAY PLEASE. SOMEBODY MAIL ME A PICTURE OF A RELATIVE AND WRITE "TERRORIST" OVER THE PICTURE. GODDAMN I EITHER FEEL REALLY OK OR REALLY NOT. MAN I LOOOOOVE SHOOTING KETAMINE INTO MY LEG MUSCLES! STOP TEASING ME. CLICK ON ME AND I GET LARGER. ADMIT IT. I AM YOUR HERO. STOP TEASING ME I FEEL FINE. ISN"T TIME THE GREATEST THING EVER! STOP TEASING ME. WHAT HAPPENS NOW? WHAT HAPPENS IS WE RETIRE TOGETHER. HI MY NAME IS BERNHARD GOETZ, HOW ARE YOU DOING? I AM FINE. HAVE FUN TODAY.