ADVICE COLUMN

i started an advice column.

you can submit questions here.

only questions requiring advice.

feel free to ask whatever you want, but dont be a fucking asshoee

VOY A CLONARME, LUEGO MATAR AL CLON Y COMERMELO (2012, triana editorial)

sometime soon next year, TRIANA EDITORIAL, a publisher in argentina, will be publishing "i am going to clone myself then kill the clone and eat it." "VOY A CLONARME, LUEGO MATAR AL CLON Y COMERMELO." the english was translated into spanish by gustavo rivera and then into castellano by alejandro jorge and jacob steinberg. the revised english version will be back in print sometime soon next year too, through lazy fascist press.

here is a sample poem: "today i hope a bus accidentally kills me."




Hoy espero que un colectivo me mate accidentalmente

Hoy espero que un colectivo me mate accidentalmente. De esa manera, otros podrán reflexionar sobre todo lo que hice en mi vida y pensar en lo especial que era porque un colectivo me mató accidentalmente. El chofer no tendría que sentirse mal porque habría sido un accidente. Y si por alguna razón el impacto no me matase, cuando el chofer se bajase para ver que pasó, yo diría, “¿Podrías atropellarme la cabeza para acabar conmigo? Siento mucho dolor y quiero ser un héroe”. La gente cercana vería la rueda enorme del colectivo aplastando mi cráneo contra el asfalto—mi boca gritando, la última cosa en irse.

today i hope a bus accidentally kills me

today i hope a bus accidentally kills me. that way, people will look back on everything i did in my life and think about how special it was, because a bus accidentally killed me. the driver wouldn’t have to feel bad, because it’d be an accident. and if for some reason the collision didn’t kill me, when the driver got out of the bus to check on me, i’d say, “could you please roll over my head and finish me. i’m in pain and i want to become a hero.” people nearby would see the big wheel of the bus smashing my skull into the concrete—my screaming mouth the last thing to
go.

i'm serious about all of these questions

does anyone want to hire me in chicago for a manual labor job somewhere near uptown.

does anyone know of any manual labor jobs near uptown that might be willing to hire me.

does anyone want to pay me to write a monthly advice column.

does anyone want to pay me to write un-researched essays on random topics.

does anyone want to pay me to write a romance/sex column.

does anyone in chicago want to start a band.

does anyone in chicago make aggressive electronic music that needs aggressive singing over it.

does anyone in chicago make any kind of aggressive music that needs aggressive singing over it.

does anyone want to pay me to be a surrogate father.

does anyone in chicago want to battle me to the death.

does anyone in chicago want to pay me to read them a bedtime story to them every night.

does anyone in chicago read this blog.

does anyone in chicago want me to burn them with a cigar/whatever.

sampinkisalive@gmail.com

video interview at htmlgiant

click the title to see a video interview stephen tully dierks did with me at htmlgiant. i can't link it in the post for some reason.

i say "like" a lot in the interview.

i can't believe that's what i look like/sound like.

i need to change my fucking life.

UPDATED BLOG POST! PICTURES FOR SALE! STORIES TO READ! KINDLE SHIT! HANDMADE BOOKS!

these three drawings are for sale.

and here are three stories from HURT OTHERS to read:

TRAINING

TV

JULIANA

UPDATE!!!:

matthew donahoo wrote about a handmade book i made for him. includes picture!! email me if you want me to make you one!

&

the no hellos diet is available on kindle.

HURT OTHERS

bizarro central published a story called TV, from the book HURT OTHERS.

and here are two other stories from HURT OTHERS:

JULIANA

and

TRAINING.

HURT OTHERS

muumuu house posted a story i wrote, called TRAINING.

the story is from HURT OTHERS.

also, if you want, i will make you a handmade book with a hand-drawn cover and hand-written writing on the inside if you make me an offer. i made one already for someone and it looks nice. each book will be called EXTREME DEPRESSION and it will have writing from any/all of my books in it. just think about it. i make 8.92 an hour so this would help me buy food and pay rent. just think about it.