i'm imagining a spaceship captain on a solo mission--entering orbit around my galaxy-sized head--recording this into his/her voice recorder log: "judging by the nature of this new atmosphere, friends can't possibly exist/survive here. preparing to enter: final goal-less orbit."

also i was lying about the movie thing. i thought people would know i was lying when i mentioned "tremors" and "mr belvedere." sorry i lied.

BOOKS/CLONE/PORTRAITS/ONLINE PUBLICATION/ICE CREAM TRUCK/I'll PAINT YOUR APARTMENT

i have a few copies of "no one can do anything worse to you than you can" "hurt others" "person" and "no hellos diet" sampinkisalive@gmail.com

i'll write "you butthole!" in them for you

also, the guy who directed "tremors" is going to make "no hellos" into a movie. s/he told me the main character will be played by the guy who played mr. belvedere.

i'm writing a book called "rontel" right now. it'll probably be real shitty but then i have a feeling the one after that will be good. trust me!

the reissue of "i am going to clone myself then kill the clone and eat it" will be out soon i think.

i think i'm going to start doing portraits. if you want me to make a portrait for you, email me.

i just heard an ice cream truck drive by outside and it made me feel instantly bad for some reason. like i had to take a deep breath from it.

UPDATE: an excerpt from THE NO HELLOS DIET has been posted online.

UPDATE: if anyone needs someone to paint their room/apartment/whatever (like painting it a single color, not designs DUH!) then email me and i'll do it for cheap. i'm quitting my job tomorrow and i like painting walls a lot. (also, you have to live in chicago and buy the paint DUH!)

here is a review of NO ONE CAN DO ANYTHING WORSE TO YOU THAN YOU CAN

i'll be at the college of new jersey this saturday. from 7-8 pm i'll be reading/answering questions. i'll bring books and drawings. here is a facebook link.

also, THE NEXT BEST BOOK CLUB reviewed THE NO HELLOS DIET.

the no hellos diet was reviewed at the guardian. (scroll down)http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

here is a review of person.

also, i think it's time to cash in on my sex appeal. i feel like from now until roughly three years from now, i will be at my sexiest . if any publication wants pictures of me shirtless (maybe pouring water on my face/chest) now is the time. act now.

the cassette i recorded has been reviewed

blake butler interviewed me at vice

NO ONE CAN DO ANYTHING WORSE TO YOU THAN YOU CAN is on goodreads.

I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT will be available in may.

FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO will be available this summer sometime.

i have four drawings to sell. i will get then scanned soon maybe.

i'm reading at THE COLLEGE OF NEW JERSEY on april 21.

this dude is from chi-town.