2.1.14

FIRST CHAPTER TO 'WITCH PISS: A NOVEL' LAZY FASCIST PRESS 2014

'damn, can't believe i'm a werewolf now,' he thought, walking down the street looking at his hairy paw. 

but he'd known all along he was a werewolf, in some way. much like how an omelet knows it's an omelet, in some way.

he smiled his fangy smile and slicked back his luxurious werewolf hair with his claws.

'fuck it jo,' he thought.  

just then, a clown jumped out of an alley and stood before him, menacing. 

the clown did that side to side neck cracking motion then cracked his knuckles and said, 'well well, werewolf man. seems like it's time to settle some old business eh?'

'who the fuck are you?' said the werewolf.

'you mean you don't remember?' said the clown, rolling up his clown sleeves.  'perhaps you remember me by my old name, dr. scribblius q. choppletoots. i pinched your butt at a 311 concert many years ago.' 

the werewolf touched his butt and whispered, 'you motherfucker.'

the werewolf went to run at the clown, but the clown pulled out a small laser gun and said, 'not, so, fast. impetuous aren't we?'

'it ends here,' said the werewolf.

'my my my,' said the clown. 'look who suddenly became a werewolf and grew some balls.'

then he began pacing, keeping the laser in his hand.

'werewolf,' said the clown. 'let me be clear, there is nothing i'd love more than to laser you in the nipples and finish off what i started long ago.  but to be frank, i simply must return to my laboratory to finish work on my Klaktonius Decimator.  so i think,' --he laughed-- 'why, i think i'll let my friend deal with you instead.'

and with that he snapped his fingers.

out from the alley there came a giant anthropomorphic muscular lobster with a mohawk and nose ring.

'meet my friend, Nogzor,' said the clown.

Nogzor snorted like a bull and stepped forward menacingly.

the clown said, 'i'm sure you two will be good friends.'

and with that he pocketed his laser and got on his rocket-powered segway and took off, laughing like 'snee hee hee hee.'

the werewolf smiled and did that neck cracking motion and said, 'it's just too bad i ain't got no butter with me.'

then they both rushed towards each other and performed simulataneous jumpkicks.




11 comments:

Mandy said...

I've always thought, "The only way I could like this guy's writing more is if he added some clowns."

sam pink said...

to be honest i just didn't think i was ready until recently

jereme said...

for some reason, imagined the Nogzor as a feminist.

Anonymous said...

A+

sam pink said...

i'd be willing to actually write this book, i think, for like 250 dollars and an m&m mcflurry though, for real.

sam pink said...

'The Werewolf and The Clown' (lazy fascist press, 2014).

"where will you be, when the werewolf meets the clown?"

Nikki Grant said...

for some reason the term
"clown sleeves" cracks my shit up, i mean i have read the word "clown" and i have read the word 'sleeves" but never together!
everything about this made me happy
its great
ha ha

Maverick Summers said...

i'll give you 250 dollars and a mcflurry (any size) if you write this book

sam pink said...

ok but the terms are now, 265, because i want to be able to get a sandwich and fries also. those are the terms. you don't like em, i don't know what to say.

eric mendez said...

As a clown I feel offended by your lack of research. Perhaps you should write a book about pussy faces. Pussy face.

sam pink said...

been around clowns my whole life, brother...[puts on sunglasses then pops collar and is mysteriously catapulted from beneath my feet up into the air]